Tween Idle

September 25, 1998

(TRIGGER WARNING: The last part of this chapter discusses eating disorders)

Dear diary,

My period is over, for now. But today was still the worst day of my life. You wanna know why? I'll tell you. So basicly I showed up to my school in my Lucky outfit. I brought my boombox which I had May carry. I was wearing a white crop top, blue jeans and sneakers. I had my hair in pigtails. May was wearing a light blue crop top, blue jeans and sneakers. She had her hair in a ponytail. "Turn it on" I said to her. And so May put the boombox in the corner of the hallway and turned it on. Everyone immediately stopped and looked at us.

"Skip to the chorus" I told May. And so she skipped to the chorus. Then she went over and stood next to me. I began to sing as we both did our dance rutine. May kept messing up though. "HOLD ON TIGHT, LET ME TAKE YOU THERE" I sang loudly. "Let me take you there" May sang quietly. I felt like I was actualy Lucky Star at a concert. Like I felt like a freaking celebrity. Then I heard a few laughs. I ignored them and kept on singing. "STAY WITH ME, I'LL SHOW YOU THAT I CARE" I sang. "Take you there" May sang. At that moment Matthew and Sugar showed up. I made sure to sing even louder.

"COME ON BABY LET ME TAKE YOU THEREEEEE, YOU AND ME EVERYWHEREEEEEEEEE, SO BOY LET ME TAKE YOU THEREEEEEEEE" I sang while looking at Matthew. Then this is where I got a little crazy. I forgot about the dance rutine and made up my own moves on the spot. I was shaking my booty and jumping around and being crazy. May just stood there looking confused becuse that wasnt in the rutine. Then suddenly, the music glitched. I stood there for a few seconds not knowing what to do. Then May ran over to the boombox and turned it off. Everyone stood and stared at us. I WAS SO EMBARRASSED. It was the most humililating moment of my life! Then the bell rang and everyone went to class, including Matthew. "Put the boombox in your locker, I'll meet you in the locker room" I said. And so she took the boombox and went to her locker. While I was on the way to the locker room, Sugar came up to me. "You literally look nothing like Lucky, she's not supposed to be a fat f*cking pig" she said. "I never said I was trying to look like her, SUGAR" I said sarcasticly. "Do you just like, embarrass yourself on purpose?" she said. "AT LEAST I HAVE CONFIDENCE" I yelled angrily. "Thats not always a good thing" said Sugar.

In the locker room when May and I were changing, I asked her a question. "May I want you to be honest, am I a fat f*cking pig" I said. "No, youre like the skinniest person I know!" she said. "I was just wondering cause like, Sugar called me that and..." I said. But then May interuppted me. "Oh f*ck Sugar, dont worry about what she thinks cuse she's probably just jelous" she said. "Yeah probably. Also do you think Im ugly? Be honest." I said. "No youre like so pretty, like seriously youre the prettiest person I know" she said. But I didnt believe it.

Then during rehearsel, we got our costumes. MINE IS SO FREAKING UGLY! Its hard to put on and it makes me look fat. How come everyone else gets all the good costumes? Anyways Sugar was carrying a heavy prop but I was standing in the way. Lisa and Bianca were helping her carrying it. "Move fatass!" Sugar yelled. "IM NOT FAT" I yelled back. "Yeah you are, youre like f*cking huge" said Lisa as she and the others laughed. Tears welled up in my eyes. "Dont just stand there and cry like a f*cking baby, MOVE!" said Sugar. And so I moved. Then they put the prop down. Lisa went into the bathroom to change into her costume while Sugar and Bianca went into the dressing room. "F*cking sevvies man" Bianca said to Sugar as they both laughed.

What if they're right? Am I really that fat? When I got home from school, I stepped on the scale in my mom's bathroom. And guess how much I freaking weighed? 100 pounds. 100 freaking pounds. I heard some girls at school say 100 pounds is heavy. No wonder Matthew would rather date Sugar. She's skinnier and prettier than me. And you know what? I'm not eating dinner tonight. It's not like I need it anyway.