Tween Idle

September 2, 1998

Dear diary,

Today in history I said hi to May (I forgot to mention she's in my history class) but she seemed upset. "You okay?" I asked. "Yeah" she said. But I knew she wasnt. Then I began to worry. What if she was mad at me for cancelling our plans twice? "Are you mad at me or something?" I asked. "Maybe" she said. But before I could say anything else our teacher Mr. Dawson walked in. "Everyone shut your mouths and eyes on me" he said. Then he went on and on and on about the stupid revolution or whatever. But I wasnt paying attention. "May" I whispered. "Shh Im trying to learn here" she said. "Is this about me cancelling plans?" I asked. "Well...I just feel like there's a reason youre trying to avoid hanging out with me, like I did something wrong?" said May. I began to feel really bad. I had let down my own friend just so I could touch my privite parts. I had to apologize, but I had to do it without telling her what I was doing. "Look Im sorry, but there's a reason I couldnt hang out with you" I said. "Well then what is it" she said. "Its something that has nothing to do with you, its my own personal business" I said. "Did something happen?" she asked. "I have a really big secret that I cant tell you okay?" I said with tears in my eyes. "That makes sense, but if you wouldve just told me it was a secret I wouldve been fine with it" she said. "I know and Im sorry" I said. "Its fine, Im just glad you told me now." she said. "You wanna come over today?" I asked. "Sure!" she said.

After school May and I walked out of the building together and this guy in front of a tree was making thrusting movements with his friends. "That guy's in my math class and he's such a perv" May said. "I know right" I said acting like I didnt do what I did. Then when we were walking to my house, May told me something that made me feel even more guilty. "Electra I just want you to know youll always be my best friend no matter what" she said. No matter what? Even if Im a whore? I had to come clean. I couldnt keep my secret from her forever. I had to tell someone. When we got to my house, my mom wasnt home yet. We went upstairs to my room and I locked the door. "May I need to tell you my secret" I said. "What is it?" she said. Then I began to freeze up. I was shaking. I was scared of what her reaction would be when I told her. "Its okay take your time" said May calmly. Then we both sat down on my bed.

I sighed and took a deep breath. "May, the reason I couldnt hang out with you was..." I paused. At this point I had tears in my eyes. I tried to hold them in, but when May pat me on the back I began to cry like a freaking baby. "I've been touching my privite parts to feel good, and yesterday I put my finger in my...you know what and blood came out which means I lost my virginity. Im a whore." I told her. "Electra" she said. "I know what youre gonna say, its fine if you dont wanna be friends anymore" I said.

"No thats not what I was gonna say at all!" she said. "Then what were you gonna say?" I asked. She paused. "Sometimes at night when I cant sleep I ride my pillow to feel good" she said. I felt relieved. "Thats what I did!" I said. "Yeah, my mom told me everyone masterbates and that its normal" she said. "So Im not a pervert?" I asked. "Why would you be a pervert?" May asked. "Cause thats a boy thing" I said. "What do you mean?" said May. "Boys touch their own penises so if girls touch their own vaginas its gross cause theyre girls" I said. That made me feel a little bit better. "Everyone is gross sometimes, everyone has their gross moments including me" said May. "Promise Im not a whore?" I said. "Promise" said May. "And promise not to tell anyone?" I said. "Have I ever told any of your secrets?" she asked. "No" I said. "Exactly" she said. Then we hugged.

I dont feel guilty anymore. And If Im a whore then so be it. Im gonna masterbate for the rest of my life becuse of how good it feels. I dont care what anyone says. When I put down this diary, Im gonna masterbate with my electric toothbrush. IM A PROUD MASTERBATER!! I just hope my mom dosent catch me doing it becuse that would be awkward.