Tween Idle

August 31, 1998

Dear diary,

Today when I went back to school I tried to act normal so no one would suspect I...you know...over the weekend. When I saw May I walked up to her said "Hello May how's the weather today?" "You okay?" she said. Oh crap, what if she knew? "Nothing lets just go to gym class" I said. And so we did.

When we got to the locker room, this one girl (I think she's an 8th grader) took her shirt off and was wearing a bra. She had big boobs and when she bent down to pick up her gym shorts I could see her chest crack (I think thats what its called) Then I got the pee feeling again, but Im NOT a lesbian! I think when you get a pee feeling from a girl its because theyre pretty and you wanna look like them. But when you get a pee feeling from a boy it means you wanna makeout with them. I had to get rid of the pee feeling, so I turned to May and said "I gotta pee, watch my stuff" and went in one of the bathroom stalls.

Once I was in there I double checked that the door was locked, then pulled down my pants and started...you know. I didnt realize how long I was in there for until I realized how quiet it was. Everyone else was gone. Suddenly, I heard footsteps. It was Mrs. Warner. "You alright in there?" she said. "Yeah Im almost done" I said. "Okay hurry up, we'll be outside today" she said. And when she left I hurried up to finish what I was doing to get the really good feeling. After I got the really good feeling, I washed my hands and then went outside. We were doing running exercises again (ew) and when I ran up to May, she stopped running. "Electra can I ask you something?" she said. "Yeah sure" I said nervously. She then whispered in my ear "Did you get your period?" "EW NO THATS GROSS" I said. Then suddenly I heard two guys behind us talking. "Sugar has some mad fat tits" said one of them. "No sh*t, she could breastfeed an entire f*cking nursery with her jugs" the other one said. May turned to me and said "Boys are such pervs" and I nodded acting like I didnt do what I did.

During rehearsel (for most of it I just had to sat and watch) I watched Matthew and it was hard to take my eyes off him. I noticed he was talking to Sugar alot when they werent on stage. I hoped they werent flerting. I hoped he didnt have a crush on her. And so I pulled down my sleeve to show my bra strap, hoping he'd see it. He didnt. Why do I have to be the stupid tree? My role in the play is Im a talking tree who has to tell Matthew to go after his true love which is you guessed it, Sugar. THAT SHOULD BE ME! I SHOULD BE HIS TRUE LOVE, NOT SUGAR! If I wouldve gotten the starring role, he wouldve flerted with me like that for sure. But I tried not to assume. Maybe they were just friends. Maybe I still have a chance with him, I just have to find a way to inpress him and get him to notice me and fall in love with me. I'll show him what he's missing!

Then when we were going over musical numbers, I got the pee feeling when I heard Matthew sing. He sounded like an angel. He was amazing. He sounded strong and handsome. Then my mind began to wander. I imagined him taking his shirt off and kissing me and being on top of me, as well as some other things I probably shouldnt have imagined. Thinking about them made me have a heartbeat in my pants. Then it was Sugar's turn to sing.. I thought she was gonna sound really bad. BUT GUESS WHAT? SHE SOUNDED REALLY GOOD. She had a soft beautiful voice. I hated that she sounded good. I tried to sing along and did like little riffs (to show them what they were missing you know?) but the teacher yelled at me not to sing other people's parts. UGH! And you know whats worse? IM NOT IN ANY MUSICAL NUMBERS. I HATE MY LIFE AND I WANNA KILL MYSELF.

When rehearsel was over and I was walking out of the building, May stopped me and said "You excited to go to the park?" Oh sh*t, I forgot I made plans with her. I had to make up an excuse. "Oh I forgot I cant go becuse my mom wants me to do chores, sorry I promise we'll go another time" "It's okay" she said. "We can go tomorrow" I said. "Sure I'd like that" she said. Then we said bye to each other. I got home before my mom (she works as a fitness trainer and comes home late on weekdays, I forgot to mention that) Then I remembered that girl in the locker room.

Since no one was home, I decided to go on the computer. Im glad my mom wasnt home cuse sometimes when Im on the computer and she's home she decides to make a FREAKING PHONE CALL!! Anyways I was waiting for it to boot up, I looked around to make sure no one was watching me. Then I looked up the word "big boobs" I clicked on images, then quickly exited the browser out of guilt. Then I got the pee feeling. But its not cuse Im a lesbian (Im not) its becuse girls find other girls pretty, and probably becuse I wish I had big boobs (the manifesting thing didnt work) Then I opened the browser again and looked up "shirtless boys" and clicked on images. I spent a few good minutes looking through the images as my pee feeling got even stronger. I closed the browser, then I went upstairs to my room and locked the door.

I opened one of my drawers and pulled out my sketchbook from under my bed. My sketchbook is green and glittery and has unicorn and rainbow stickers on it. Then I grabbed a pencil from my desk. After that I hid under my bed and began to draw a picture of Matthew (I gave him anime eyes) I drew him shirtless with abs, and then I drew his...you know what. I quickly erased his you know what as I felt my face turning red. Then I crumpled up the paper, threw it away, put the pencil back on my desk and the sketchbook back under my bed. After that I grabbed my pillow and started riding it like a pony at the thought of Matthew. After a minute or two I got the really good feeling. I did this a few times to get the really good feeling until I heard the garage door opening. My mom was home.

That night when I was brushing my teeth with my pink electric toothbrush, I got a little curious. I turned it on and put it down my pants. I stopped and stood still for a second because of how good it felt. Like it felt REALLY good. Then I made sure the bathroom door was locked, sat down on the floor and you can probably guess what happened next. It has to be my favorite method of getting the really good feeling, and most affective too. Then I felt guilty and began to worry. What if May is mad at me for canceling our plans last minute?