✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

85. Testing My Limits

"Is that okay?" Ffrances asked.

Tess blushed, and found herself analysing the sudden certainty in her mind. She was going to have an accident when she was done with her homework, whether she was able to finish it or had to come downstairs for food. It wasn't something she considered; she didn't need to agree or disagree. It was an immutable fact, something that was going to happen. She knew she was going to wet herself this afternoon just like she knew it had happened this morning. Not an instruction or an opinion, but a fact. And she had to do everything she could to make sure it happened. She would start by getting herself a larger drink than she normally would, to make sure that her bladder was full, and by not relieving herself before she started on her work. She glanced up again, and realised Ffrances was still waiting for a response.

"Yeah," she said. "That's perfect. Thank you." She wanted to say that it wasn't what she'd expected; that she had no desire to wet herself even as a test. She could test it just as well using the other one, if she tried it out repeatedly and kept not having any more accidents. But if she objected, Ffrances would take back the suggestion; she would tell Tess not to have an accident, and then she wouldn't have an accident. And she was going to have an accident, she was sure of that. She couldn't do anything that would prevent it.

It wasn't until she had made herself a coffee and gone to her room that she realised how illogical that was. And she still couldn't do anything about it; she had to let it happen. Even if that meant telling Ffrances that it was what she had wanted. Tess sighed, and tried to think what to do next. She was going to have an accident; that much was certain. There was nothing she could do to stop it, and even if she could think of something she wouldn't be able to try it. So she had to make the best of it. That presumably meant wearing diapers.

She glanced around at her bags, but right now she couldn't remember which one contained a half pack of SleepSafe brand pyjama pants. She shrugged; she was sure there had been a few pull-ups left in the drawer before she left, and they were probably still there. She walked over to the changing table, feeling weird now that she was voluntarily choosing to wear diapers during the day. She knew it was something she couldn't really avoid; but it still felt strange to give in and try them without someone telling her that she had to. Was wearing diapers because she was going to have an accident somehow more embarrassing than wearing them because a maid had asked her to?

She sighed again and opened the drawer. There was no space to pack away the ones she'd brought back from San Lornezo, even if she had unpacked them. The whole drawer was full again. Probably Gabby had thought the holidays were a good time to restock her nursery. Had there been another little – perhaps someone who actually enjoyed being treated like a child – here while Tess was away? She couldn't guess; but she told herself that after the effort Gabby had put into decorating this room, it wouldn't be reasonable of her to object to it being used for its intended purpose.

Tess took out one of the diapers from the middle of the drawer and pulled it on; putting her jeans back on over the top. Although it felt weird, it was a little reassuring and she could think about her work. She was a big girl now, and didn't need to worry about accidents like a little baby. That thought brought a frown to her face briefly; it felt like a childish one, but only a little. Perhaps because she was wearing a diaper, and that felt like a childish action. But she was sure the headspace would retreat again once she started on her work.

It was hard to focus. She was supposed to be writing about unfamiliar traditions; how different societies could have a different view on the same things. She'd decided that in the circumstances, the Christmas traditions in San Lorenzo would be a perfect subject for an essay. But every time she had to resort to a dictionary order to translate some of the terms, she found herself thinking about all the things that had happened while she was away; how strange it felt to be reunited with her family after so long, and how she had spoiled the holidays by embarrassing herself. But just at the edgo of awareness, those memories of humiliation were connected to some very different feelings. Something she didn't understand, and wasn't sure she ever would. There was something about that feeling of helplessness. She didn't like having no control, but somewhere deep inside there was an insatiable curiosity about what could happen if you took that control away. It wasn't about... Tess paused in her thoughts, trying to think exactly what she wasn't thinking about. Regression, probably. She wasn't thinking about feeling like a little kid, or acting the part. She wasn't thinking about accidents, pacifiers, or diapers. That was all Gabby's obsession. She was just thinking about the transfer of power from one person to another; and how curious she had been to experience it. Knowing that such a thing was possible at all tapped into a well of curiosity deeper than she had ever imagined could exist, and she had to know more.