✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

81. Late Night

"Of course," Trish said with a smile, but something in her voice told Tess that she didn't really believe it. She was thinking of Tess like a baby now, just because she was wearing diapers for bed. She'd never been so embarrassed, and she wished there was something she could do; some way to hide her accident. She didn't know what to say, she just wanted to be clean and go to sleep, but for once she didn't know what to say. And there was nobody who could help her today. She squeezed Erminetrude closer for the comfort it could bring, and tried her best to reject the urge to act more like a child.

"You've always been so mature," her mum continued. "But you don't have to do it. Any time you want someone to take care of you, we're happy to be here. You're still my little girl, aren't you?"

"No," Tess answered, but it took her a second to realise she was nodding. There were too many thoughts in her mind now; she was still feeling the edges of that headspace, brought on by every little glimmer of childish behaviour. Between wetting herself, and snuggling her favourite stuffie, it had become a little harder to feel like a grown up; and a voice in the back of her head whispered that it would be so much easier to let Mommy take care of everything. She had to fight against those feelings, show that she was big enough to take care of herself, or they would never stop laughing.

"I'm not a baby," she repeated, and forced herself to put Erminetrude down. "I don't know why I had that, I must have packed it by accident. I mean... it's not even my toy. Like, Gabby treats me like a baby sometimes, but I'm not. It's just relaxing sometimes and it makes her happy, it's not something I want. It's only so I can worry less. I'm a grown-up really, I can clean up myself. You don't need to–"

"Is that why this is here?" her mum interrupted, and Tess turned to see her hand picking up a pacifier from the bed. "Honey, you don't have to be an adult all the time."

"No, it's just..." Tess's mind raced, trying to remember what Gabby had told her when she gave her the pacifier. It wasn't just for kids; sucking on something could be therapeutic; calming. She didn't know if that was true or not; maybe Gabby was just trying to avoid telling her why there were pacifiers in the house. But it was believable. "It's just relaxing. If–"

And then she stopped because there was a pacifier in her mouth. She started sucking it without thinking, and felt her worries melt away even when her parents were so close to finding out how childish she had been.

"If being a little childish helps you to relax, that's a good thing. Let Mommy deal with it, okay? You're just our little girl." She sat down beside Tess and hugged her, smoothing down her hair. Tess smiled and giggled; glad to know that the grown-ups were going to take care of everything. She knew on some level that she didn't want to be in her headspace now, that she was a big girl. But while she was sitting in a wet diaper, sucking on a pacifier, it was hard to believe that she was big. It was easier to let somebody else worry for her. And Mum talking to her like a kid just made that headspace hit harder.

Had she seen the stuffie and the paci and thought this was something Tess liked? Was this some joke about being a baby again because she was in diapers? Had Mum been secretly longing to have her baby back for years, and now Tess wasn't aggressively denying it she found it natural to play along? All answers she could believe, and she didn't know which had come first. But whatever was in Mum's mind didn't matter; it was too comforting to be held like this, and Tess couldn't think about anything enough to worry. She just wanted to stay like this, and not need to think for a while.

"Did you say you need to clean up?" Mum whispered, a second later. Tess nodded, not wanting to think right now about what the right answer should have been. "Is there anything my baby needs help with?" This time Tess shook her head. That was one thing she had to take care of herself.