✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

64. Lucky

Tess glanced at her reflection in the window, and stared in shock. Over the next second or two she also snatched the pacifier from her mouth and shoved it forcefully into a pocket, before blushing furiously and wondering just how much this headspace thing affected her judgement. She'd been humming like a little kid, and she hadn't even noticed until she took the thing out. So comfortable and carefree that it didn't bother her, and she kept on sucking without thinking.

She didn't know when she should have stopped, and nipped those feelings in the bud. Not putting it back in her mouth after brushing her teeth might have been a good start, but it felt so good. Or perhaps it was okay to wait until she left the house, sure that any remaining trace of childishness would have faded from her demeanour would have faded in the time it took to walk to the bus stop. Or she could have been cautious, taking it out before she came downstairs. The time to put her shoes on would have made sure she was thinking perfectly clearly when she stepped outside, just in case one of the neighbours decided to speak to her. It hadn't happened yet, and she'd barely even seen them, but she was sure it could cause some kind of problems if they thought she was behaving oddly.

But she hadn't thought of that. She'd let herself enjoy the moments of relaxation so much that she didn't even realise she was still sucking it. Right up to the time she had seen her reflection in the windows that separated her from the darkened interior of Dominique's Pizza Shed. Worse than that, she had stood there waiting for several minutes, and hadn't noticed the thing was in her mouth until she heard the sound of the school bus approaching, turned towards it, and happened to catch her reflection's eye. She had been sucking a pacifier for at least ten minutes since she left the house, and she hadn't even noticed. She couldn't believe that she had been so stupid, so careless. And she promised herself that she would never allow herself to sample this 'headspace' again, not in the absence of someone she could trust to bring her back to normal.

She looked down at her feet as she climbed onto the bus. Thankfully there was nobody else getting off at this stop today; the houses round here were pretty rich, so there were just half a dozen kids whose parents would be unpredictably free to drive them to school. But the bus had been so close that she couldn't be sure noone had seen her before the pacifier was out of sight. The driver gave her a grin, revealing a row of gleaming white teeth in a heart-shaped face. Had she seen? Was she laughing at Tess? There was no way to know. She shuffled past and found an empty seat. There was no sign of Tami today, but that was probably for the best. Being seen by someone she knew would have been the worst thing that could happen, and Tess still didn't trust herself to speak to anyone. She didn't know what childish things she might say, if the headspace hadn't faded as quickly as Gabby promised. She was sure that the shock of seeing the pacifier had woken her up, but she still didn't trust her own judgement.

She buried herself in her phone, determined to avoid speaking to anyone until school arrived. But she didn't trust herself to go on Clatter either; she could easily say something silly even if she felt like a big girl already, and she didn't want anyone to know what had happened. So she called up a game, and watched as a flashy animated SC:GO logo danced across her screen. Then she was absorbed in her game, so much that she almost failed to notice when the school buildings appeared and the vehicle shuddered to a halt.

She took a deep breath and slipped the phone back into her pocket. She was sure she was feeling normal now, but how would she know? She had already had one morning where she had apparently told friends that she didn't mind being called a baby, without realising how some people would take that. She hadn't realised anything was different. It was kind of terrifying, thinking about how much a leftover suggestion from a hypnosis session a week ago could still twist her perceptions.

As she stepped down to the ground, Tess realised that she was breathing more quickly, and she was blushing still. Her heart was practically racing when she realised just how helpless she was, how much she had to rely on the people around her to tell her if she was acting odd. Ffrances had just talked to her, for something that felt like an hour. And weeks later, every time she did something childish, those words were still controlling how she felt. It was an incredible realisation, and she knew right away that she would jump at any chance to be hypnotised again. She didn't care if it was being turned into an unthinking robot completely devoted to doing chores, or becoming something she'd never even imagined. Now she knew how it felt to have her sense of self completely under someone else's control, she didn't know how to let it go. Even if it was being treated like a baby, which still carried all the stigma from years of bullying, she might be willing to give it a try if it could let her access these feelings of helplessness again.

She wasn't thinking clearly now. But she wasn't a child, she was absolutely sure about that. The moment she'd realised how helpless she was to those words – how easily she could be controlled – any last vestiges of a little headspace had been swept away by a set of feelings that were in no way artificial. This was a part of her identity, and no child had ever felt like this.

She forced herself to take a deep breath, and willed her racing heart to calm down. This wasn't the time, or the place, to be exploring that side of herself. She didn't understand those feelings, she didn't know where they had come from, but she knew what she needed now. She had to put that feeling to one side, to be addressed later. A casual conversation with one of her classmates now would get her mind back on an even keel; help her to focus on more immediate things like the latest episode of Live From Palmerston! and whatever random celebs had swapped partners this week. She was almost back to normal now, and all she needed was a casual conversation to set her back to normal normal before she trusted herself to chat with someone whose opinion she really valued.

"Oh, if it isn't little Tessa," a voice greeted her within seconds of her feet hitting the path. Mindy. Perfect, someone guaranteed to dispel any introspective feelings with her spiteful whine. "Still spinning your little fantasies, trying–"

"Hey Tess," Spike greeted her with a wave, apparently unaware that someone was already speaking. "You still on for tonight?"