✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

118. Second Thoughts

Tess giggled and laughed, reaching up for the mobile above her. And a second later, her attention was drawn away to follow a dangling bunch of keys that Ffrances was jiggling just a little. She knew that she was supposed to be excited, and that tasks as simple as reaching out for something should have been fun. But for some reason she just wasn't enjoying it. She kept on smiling and laughing, because she knew that she was supposed to. But there wasn't real happiness behind the gestures.

"You're with me, aren't you?" Ffrances said again. Tess nodded, realising that she was still big enough to understand the grown ups. "Now, can you try making yourself a bit older for me? It's up to you how big you want to be, and you can go back later if you really want to. But I want to know how you really feel, not how he's told you that a baby at your age should feel. Okay?"

"Uhhh..." Tess started, fighting against the urge to babble. She wanted to talk properly, but she knew that might upset Daddy; and she had to make sure that everything went well. But somewhere in her mind, she knew that something was wrong. As she squirmed a little, she tried to work out what it was. There was something she wasn't comfortable with, but she couldn't remember the details. And even though realising how thoroughly the hypnosis could twist her perceptions was still exciting, there was fear in her mind as well.

"I'm growing up now," she said, forcing her lips to shape complicated big-girl words that she could barely remember. "I'm all grown up again. I'm... I'm back to my real age." She repeated the words two or three times, and it got a little easier to remember them each time. And then a tidal wave of adult thoughts crashed over her, reminding her why she was so willing to be Spike's baby, and what he meant to her, and how nerve-wracking this whole experience was.

The emotions were overwhelming. So much of the afternoon so far had involved her laughing or smiling because Spike had told her to be happy, and it was disconcerting to realise that her emotions had been an act, overlaid on top of her real feelings. It would probably take a long time for her to understand what she had really felt, and how much of this she would be willing to do again. But she knew right away that there was one thing she couldn't take for another second.

"Ewwwww!" she shrieked, and then the sound quickly descended into sobbing as all the suppressed emotions washed over her. "I didn't even... It seemed like normal, I couldn't even tell what was creeping me out."

"It's okay, dear," Ffrances told her. "I think you want to get clean, right? Would you prefer me to get this off you, or can you do it yourself? I can delay the dinner preparations, and keep Spike occupied if you'd prefer, so there's time for you to have a shower. And If I can suggest... shower first, to get yourself clean. Then take a bath with the rose oil bath bombs, to refresh your skin and make you feel alive again. Trust me, it'll help with both your skin health, and your emotional state."

"Thank you," Tess gasped, but couldn't quite manage to stop herself sobbing. The day's experience had just been too intense for her, and nothing like what she had expected. On top of the disgust, and the confusion, she was now confronting the knowledge that she didn't know Spike as well as she had thought, and that she really had no idea what was going on inside her best friend's head. Somehow, that confusion bothered her even more than the mess in her diaper. But there was one more thing she needed to say:

"Don't tell him," she said. And when Ffrances just looked confused, she explained more: "This was the first time we did anything like that. It's not going to be perfect. And I don't want him to feel bad about it. We can talk about it more later."

"If Gabby tried to make you..."

"Yeah. Then I would have been mad, and I'd really appreciate knowing you called her out on it. But this time, I never told him about that limit, because I never imagined he'd want to go that far. And then..." She thought slowly about what had happened. She'd been dumb; saying she was one year old. Spike could easily have taken that as a sign of willingness. Like she'd given him permission to do all the diaper stuff, even if she hadn't meant it that way. "I wasn't clear enough. I might have let him think that I was okay with all this. And if it's really important to him, maybe I can get used to it. But... I don't want him to worry. Not today."

"Okay. I think he needed a break as well. If he asks, I'll tell him that he needs to discuss it with you. Now, you get yourself cleaned up."

That turned out to be easier said than done. Tess hurried to the bathroom, grabbing a pack of wipes and diaper bags from the table on the way. She could take the diaper off, but the mess inside was clinging to her skin, and wipes just seemed to spread it around, and she was just worrying about the state she was going to leave the bathroom in. After a short while she gave up. She left a scented diaper bag on the floor, containing both the diaper and all the wipes she had used so far, then pulled off the rest of the baby clothes and stepped into the shower. Jets of hot water would get her skin clean, and she could worry about everything else later.

After a few minutes, the smell no longer seemed to be clinging to her body, and Tess could start to calm down. She carried on playing the shower head over every inch of her body, with the pressure and temperature turned up as high as she could bear. Even when she was sure that she was clean, she kept on repeating the same movements like a ritual that would slowly restore her peace of mind.

This reverie was interrupted by a gentle tap on the bathroom door. She probably didn't hear it the first time, but the sound was repeated, and after a few seconds Ffrances's voice called out: "I've got some clean clothes for you. Want me to take the trash out?"

Tess shouted back her agreement, and then saw the vague silhouette of another person in the bathroom; disposing of the stinking diaper bag before Tess had to worry about it again. She was so grateful for that. It was just a little detail, but she knew that it would be so much easier to cope with getting dressed again if she didn't have to deal with disposing of the diaper as well.

"Okay, I've left you some towels here. And lifted the bath bombs out so you can have a long soak if you want. Come down when you're feeling more human." And then she was gone, leaving Tess alone with her thoughts, and the clouds of steam rising around her.

Tess knew that she must be clean by now. She had soaped up her body and rinsed herself off several times. Her skin was red from the hot water. But she didn't want to step out of the shower just yet. She started to wash her hair instead; although she knew this had to be displacement activity. She was just putting off the moment she would have to face Spike again, and tell him that she might not be willing to do this again. She still didn't know what she actually needed to say; she'd promised that she would do everything she could to make his fantasies come true, but she still didn't know if she could cope with it. Whether she said that she'd try harder next time, or told him that those suggestions were off-limits, she knew that it was a choice she would regret.

But sooner or later, she knew she would have to go downstairs and talk to him. And as her shampoo added its fruity scent to the steam filling the room, she started to feel a little more relaxed. She knew this would be hard, but she was ready to face it now. Ready to find the best solution for everyone, even if she didn't know what that might be.

There was a thick, fluffy towel hanging on the towel rail, warm enough to bring a smile to Tess's face as she dried off. It was really comfortable. And on the shelves beside it, there were two outfits set out. A hoodie and jeans, fresh from the laundry pile, or a skirt and blouse that almost looked like the uniform for a school around the corner from Raybridge. She recognised the style, and knew that after seeing so many little kids in the same outfit it would make her look and feel a little childish.

Tess thought about it for a long time as she got herself dried off. She wanted to be an adult, so that she could talk to Spike about what had happened, and see if they could find some kind of compromise; an age where they would both get what they wanted. But she also didn't want to disappoint him. They'd agreed that they would go a bit further on that first session, try out things that they knew might be a bit too much... and then she hadn't had time to explore the ages that she'd really been willing to be for him. So maybe the right answer was to let herself regress again, and see how they both felt at ages she could imagine being comfortable with. Spike might find that was enough for him, and the hard conversation wouldn't be so hard. But after what had just happened, it was still hard.

She put on her regular clothes in the end. But she also grabbed some rainbow ribbons for her hair when she was back in her room, and grabbed a ferret plush and a pacifier to stuff in her pocket. She could try to judge the mood, and then it wouldn't be too hard to get herself feeling innocent again if Spike was okay with something less extreme. She crossed her fingers and set off down the stairs; and the rich aromas drifting up from the stove gave her confidence that today would have good moments, whatever age she was willing to be.