✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

125. Give and Take

Tess couldn't find the words she wanted to say. Somehow it felt like this terrible situation was her fault, and she wanted more than anything to comfort Spike; to promise that she would do whatever it took to make this better, or to tell him that he was cared for. But she didn't know how; she didn't know the right words to convey something so deep. Every instinct wanted to hug him, and in the circumstances it took a real effort to keep her distance.

"I'm sorry," she said in the end. "Really."

"Did I upset you?"

"No! I just... there's things I needed to say. Big things, where it's so hard to find the right words, and I was scared I'd say the wrong thing, or it would be too hard to understand. I care about you, and I don't ever want you to feel bad if you don't need to, and it was so hard to write those messages, I kept on putting it off... I never, ever wanted you to stop talking to me. Why would anybody think... how would he even know? Did you think I was pushing you away? I'm so sorry, I was just so scared of saying the wrong thing, I couldn't bring myself to say anything, and maybe nothing was the wrong thing anyway. I never wanted this to happen, I just kept on thinking I'd work out what to say..."

She stopped and looked down to where Spike was holding her hand. His hands didn't have bandages on, and she realised that in the last few months they had spent so much time holding hands, in the same way that so many of their friends would kiss or embrace at every opportunity. It was like a much smaller touch could convey just as much feeling.

"Don't blame yourself," Spike said clearly. "I kept sending messages, thinking you'd reply again. A lot of it was just like stupid gossip stuff, or commenting on whatever's in the news. Like, because I always enjoyed talking to you, and even if the... relationship stuff is hard, I didn't want to lose out on the other stuff. The like, I don't know what to call it, normal friends chat."

"I should have replied sooner," she said. "And I should have replied to the serious stuff too. I know what I needed to say about that now, I was trying to write the message when I saw you like that. I never thought Duke would take an interest in that."

"Do you still want to say those things? Because I'm a captive audience now. And I want to know what I do that makes you happy, and where you're making compromises for me. I mean... I know that with our friends who are in relationships, it seems like everybody knows the rules, and the things you have to do, and the things you don't do. But we're doing something different, and I don't know the norms, and I don't want to be assuming anything. Okay? I just want us to say what we mean, and be sure we're both on the same page, even if it's a little embarrassing to say. Okay? I mean, I'm feeling a little weird on the painkillers, so if you regret anything you said later, you can take it back and tell me I didn't understand you right."

"I'd never do that," Tess said, but she found herself laughing at the concept. Would anyone choose to have a serious, relationship-defining conversation when they were intoxicated, just so that they'd have a chance of retconning the discussion later? But she realised now they were talking that just being here with Spike made her feel so lucky. She really liked him; she wasn't just attracted to him physically, but she would do anything to be there with him. And every moment spent chatting, regardless of what it was about, had to be perfect. And then there was no more reason to be scared of saying the wrong thing.

"Okay," she said. "When you came over to... do that thing..." she caught herself glancing over her shoulder. He had a private room, there weren't any nurses walking around, but she still felt like they could be overheard at any minute. "Damn, why am I getting so paranoid about hypothetical eavesdroppers? Anyway, it went further than I was comfortable with. A lot further. And when I tried to tell you that, you told me I was enjoying it. No, don't interrupt! I'm not mad about that, don't get me wrong. And I might have done the same thing. But I think now I understand hypnosis a bit better. And telling me I'm enjoying something seems to make me act like I'm happy. I smile and giggle. And I might even think I'm happy, but my real feelings are still there, just buried under the surface. So we learned something important: don't do that again."