✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

120. The Morning After

Tess woke up, and everything in front of her was grey and drab. She rubbed her eyes, and then the room came into focus. She was in the spare room now; like Gabby had promised so many months before. After that day with Spike, she had found that she couldn't sit in her own room without noticing just how pink everything was; how much the room wanted her to be a baby. And she hadn't been able to feel comfortable there. So Ffrances had finished clearing out the last couple of packing boxes in the spare room, and she had slept there just for one night. On the opposite side of the landing from her usual place, and with windows that looked out over the edges of a little triangular piece of woodland between the backs of three houses, rather than the lights of the linear park and the main road. But it really shouldn't have made that much difference to her.

As she sat up, all the memories of the night before came flooding back. Of the promises Spike had made, and the things she had said. Proudly declaring that both of them would try anything to find a compromise. They wanted something that they would both enjoy, and they were both just as determined to find it. Now, when she wasn't directly facing him, those promises didn't seem so tangible. She didn't know if there was a way they could both be happy or not.

She'd loved how it felt at dinner, with him holding her close and feeding her. Just being there with him was a wonderful thing for her; so she was sure that could be enough to overcome her distaste for being treated like a child. But even so, she'd been a hundred times happier when she started feeding him. Maybe that was the kind of silly idea that a little kid would come up with, so it was still childish. Maybe she'd been acting like a little kid still, playing make-believe and pretending she was the adult. But she had felt the usual pride and satisfaction of doing something for someone she cared about. It had been like when she cared for Ffrances, when they were both regressed. There was nothing quite as nice as being trusted that much, so that she could take charge and make everything perfect.

Spike had said that they could switch roles, and see how good she was at playing Daddy and he could be the little girl. She'd been delighted by the idea, because she knew that was something she would enjoy. But after he'd gone home, the realisation had hit Tess that she was thinking selfishly. This was just a thing so that he could learn what she was comfortable with; maybe a little easier than talking about it. If she allowed herself to go too far in treating her boyfriend like a child, she would only wind up disappointing herself. She did find herself wondering if she could ask to do things that way more often, but it still felt like that wouldn't be fair. When they were still exploring the different things they could do, she shouldn't focus so much on one thing. Especially something that would be entirely for her amusement.

Was this how Gabby felt? Wrestling with her inhibitions, trying to work out how much it was reasonable to ask for... it wasn't too hard to imagine that might maybe explain why she'd been so reluctant to talk about her little obsession. And perhaps it made Tess feel a little sorry for her, because she couldn't deny that the pleasure of looking after a little one, and taking charge of their most basic needs, was a strange thing to enjoy. She didn't think anyone would really be able to understand how it felt until they had experienced it. Maybe there was something there that she would be able to forgive. But she knew that she couldn't bring herself to pressure Spike into being little for her. She knew how degrading it could be, and she knew that it had to be something you volunteered for. It wouldn't be fair to ask him for something like that, when they were both trying to figure out their feelings around each other.

So she had been out of sorts after he left, unable to decide if she wanted to watch TV or take another look at her homework. She'd ended up sitting in the lounge with the Live From Palmerston! Belated Valentines Special! on the screen, but she barely caught any of the jokes. She had scrolled back through Clatter on her phone instead, catching up with all the friends who she hadn't heard from recently. She'd given up on that when she saw a new post from Spike, and for some reason couldn't bring herself to read it. Then she'd gone to bed, and realised that she couldn't stand the pinkness of that room any longer. After a stressful day trying to be a child again, she needed a night of adulthood to recover.