✅ The Last New Start [NaNoWriMo2021]

115. Childish Things

"What now?" Tess asked, and surprised herself by how excited she sounded. She was really getting into this little game now, playing at being a kid. She knew she could stop it if she wanted to, but she also knew that this was important to Spike, and she was pretty sure that so long as he was being her Daddy, she would enjoy it no matter what they did. She wanted to prove that she could remember to use the potty even after he made her into a toddler, so she decided that she would keep on playing this role for at least that long. And once she was happy to go through with it, she found it easier to just play along, and do whatever felt natural.

"How about you show me some of your toys?" he said. "You've got a proper nursery set up here, haven't you? Would you rather play here, or take some toys down to the lounge? I don't know your normal routine, I'm afraid."

"I dunno," Tess said, and gave a little. It seemed so easy to let him take over the big decisions, and his smile reassured her every time. She would play along with whatever his fantasies turned out to be. But even when she was smiling and imagining herself as a little kid, she knew that she would start to feel frustrated if there wasn't something she could take responsibility for. Not having a job to do was like skydiving; cut off from her anchor. Maybe she could convince herself it was fun for a little while, but the lack of any problems she could solve would start to stress her out sooner or later. But maybe there was an answer to that as well?

"Umm... can Ffrances come play too?" she asked. It was getting easier now to fit what she wanted into words she could imagine a child saying, and she just hoped there wasn't anything getting lost in translation. "She can be my little sister. Gabby let me look after her sometimes, it's good because Gabby doesn't like looking after two kids." As soon as she said it, she realised that she had been thinking so much about choosing the right words, she hadn't even considered how much she was allowed to say. She was pretty sure she shouldn't have told him that Ffrances liked to be babied; that was a secret she should share herself. But it was too late to take the words back, and she could only hope that Spike would dismiss it as the chaotic ramblings of a little kid who couldn't separate fantasy from reality. Unless, of course, he already knew. That would have been perfect; no matter how much she loved having some time alone with her complicated-maybe-boyfriend, she knew that she would enjoy herself more with a little sister to care for as well.

"Don't worry, today is all about you," Spike answered, and Tess found herself confused for a moment. His answer didn't seem to fit what she had asked, but maybe she wasn't understanding well enough. "You've spent enough time and effort looking after me at school, solving all of my problems. And everyone else's too. You're very good at it, but you're not old enough to think about what you 'need' to do now. At one year old, you'd probably just play with whatever toys are in reach, and not think about anything else unless you're really trying hard to help Daddy out with something. You won't think about your responsibilities at all, you can just let me take care of you. You don't need to make any decisions now, except maybe which of the toys in reach you're going to grab for first. You are that young."

Tess felt confused for a moment, but she could feel all her worries draining away. She didn't need to think about anything when she was so little; Daddy could do all the thinking for her. Daddy would make sure that she didn't get bored. So when he helped her down from the changing table, she was quick to stumble across the room – feeling as awkward as always while she got used to the bulk of the padding between her legs – and start grabbing at her toy boxes. She wanted to help Daddy, and to impress him with how much she could still do for herself. But there were so many toys in there, and some that she hadn't even looked at before.

She tipped the toys from one box across the floor, thinking that she would pick up the best ones, but everything she looked at seemed so new and different, she just couldn't put any of them aside. No sooner had she picked up one bright plastic thing, than she was staring at another, thinking how much fun it might be to play with. A few minutes later she found herself trying to pick up everything at once, not knowing how to choose when everything was so much fun.