Sae-byeok / Ho-Yeon Imagins

Not my fault ~ Sae-byeok

Based on a real thing happening in my life- Idk if this is sad or not its more just a rant I turned into a store so yeah :)

Sae-byeok's pov-

The break-up was only a few weeks ago yet it is still the only thing clouding my mind, I return home from another day at school. Walking inside my mum stops me at the stairs "Sae-byeok darling, Y/n dropped this by the house this morning after you left. She said she would very much appreciate it If you read it" My mum passed me an envelope, I stare at it for a few seconds before grabbing it out of her hands and running up the stairs. 

I place it on my desk and sit on the chair in front of it, observing it to see if anything seemed out of the ordinary or at least that's what I tell myself I was doing but really I'm too scared to open it. I haven't heard anything from Y/n since the break-up, I blocked her on everything and avoid her at school the best I can, I don't feel like facing her, she broke me. 

I finally pick the envelope up again and rip it open, pulling out a note that's inside. The message on it is long, in neat handwriting, the same her writing has always been.

It reads: 

Dear Sae-byeok,

I did nothing wrong, all I wanted was to be friends, maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship again or maybe I was just forcing myself to think that this would be perfect but that doesn't change the fact that I did nothing wrong. I told you everything you needed to know, I told you I was sorry, I told you that I couldn't be in a relationship but if maintaining the friendship was possible I would love that, I told you that I mean no harm mentally... I did nothing wrong.

Yet the next day at school everyone already knows, but they don't know the real story and that is because you told them a lie, you told them that im a bitch, you told them that im a pussy that was too scared to stay, you told them im the reason for your mental health issues but im not. You cannot hold me accountable for something I tried so hard to avoid, I meant no harm, no damage, no reckoning but made it sound like I wanted you to die.

It's not my fault I wasn't ready, it's not my fault that I didn't see this as a proper relationship and you cant say that it is because I 'initiated' the relationship when I didn't. Me having a simple crush did not mean I wanted to date you it simply meant I thought you were kind, and pretty, and all together with an amazing person... I admired your passion and your persistence, your energy, your compassion but never did I say the words 'will you go out with me' never did I officially ask you out because that was something you initiated but it wasn't with words you just simply let it be.

Within a matter of days, people knew we were dating before I did, if anyone was forced into or out of something it was me. Im not trying to push your feelings aside, im not trying to say you're wrong, just don't blame me. I was as nice and careful with my words as I could be, I was as gentle and delicate with the way I told you so do not say im the bad guy, you have no right to say I called everything off when you were the one that said being friends was not an opinion.

I had more to say to you, a thank you message was sent but you never received it, why? Because it took only 5 seconds withing telling me that all relationships between us, past and present were now forbidden for you to block me. I long for our friendship back, that was one I may never get out of another person but you didn't want that, I understand and im not trying to tell you it was the wrong choice but think, please. I may of hurt you, I know, but the way you handled that information hurt me and all you did was push that aside and continue to tell all our friends your twist version of the breakup.

I should not be punished for not being ready, I should not be punished for being human. For a while, I felt a pang of terrible guilt about the way things ended but that guilt soon faded and was replaced with me feeling attacked and hated by someone who always told me they loved me even before the relationship began. So please if you read this forgive me, listen to my words and hear where I am coming from, if you chose not to forgive me that's fine but understand that the way you are dealing with this pain is not healthy and instead just inflicts pain onto me- no one wins, we both end up dying.

I did nothing wrong, not in the way you say I did, please realise that and please realise that me not mentally being able to cope with a relationship is not a personal attack against you.

- Y/n

I place the note down on the table and sit back in my chair, repeating some of the written words in my head. I don't agree with any of this, she- she hurt me, she was selfish for being in the relationship in the first place, if she didn't want it why didn't she say so from the start? Im not forgiving her, I see no reason for me too. 

That's what I tell myself initially until I take a second read of the note, truly taking in the words, the way they're written, the way certain phrases are repeated. The meaning behind is more clear the more I focus, my eyes begin to water and I crush the sides of the paper in my hands, not damaging the sections with words, however.

I reach for my phone and unblock her messages, waiting for anything new to come in. After a few seconds some messages appear from the night she ended things. 

Y/n- I understand
Y/n- Im sorry 
Y/n- Thank you for everything, I hope we can be friends again some time :)

I type a few words ready to send but quickly delete them and turn my phone off, throwing it onto my bed I place my hand against my forehead thinking about the past couple of weeks. I start to think about the time before that, the time we spent together in school and out of school, even times from when we were still friends.

 she was right, she did nothing wrong but it still hurts, I'm allowed to be mad, she hurt me. So why does she get to feel hurt? I look up, staring at the blank wall in front of me. No thoughts just myself, empty, longing for answers that were never given fully and maybe I will never get the full explanation but this note is as close as I'm going to get and I know I need to act on it before it's too late. 

A/n-

At the start when I said this is based on something that is happening in real life I mean the whole note thing is something I wrote separately to get my feelings out, that is all that happened between me and my now ex and I felt that I would like to make a story using my feelings because nothing is better than a personal story, right? and no she has not contacted me again nor do I think I want her to cause this has now really affected me mentally but anyway!

I apologise for not posting in a while but I will try and get some more chapters out soon :)