A College Seeress' Diary

Flaws

Dear Jesus,

Oh sweet Jesus. Once again you've shown me mercy.
Thank you so much for watching out for me and for dragging back my ear lovingly whenever I wander foolishly. Thank you also for the power of good mentorship and a good spiritual network, else I'd have gone so off track, and before I am aware of it, I'd be falling off the edge of my cliff of sin to my death.

This little time of my strained relationship with you has taught me that no one is immune to lukewarmness or backsliding. Let he that thinketh he stands take heed lest he falls...

I was so angry and embittered in my heart about what had transpired between John and Portia. The funny thing was that none of them said a word about it. Maybe they thought I didn't know. Maybe I was just misunderstandings the whole scenario and it was nothing serious.

I know, I know...
I shouldn't have allowed such a petty thing to get the best of me. But Lord, what do I do? I'm a human being, a girl with emotions running through her veins. It hurt so much. I'm still trying to analyze why I felt that way.
Have I somehow made John into an object of my obsession and Portia into the object of my hate?
Oh Lord, what have I done?
I'm in the process of repenting and healing Lord. Please, forgive me. Show me what to do. Heal my heart completely, Lord.

The next day after the party, the Google Hangouts group of the faculties was spilling over with messages and comments of both the good, bad and ugly things that had happened in the party. Pictures and video clips of the highlights of the party poured in, the red carpet entry taking the lead.
My course mates truly showed their true colours as they threw ribald remarks, lashing at each other, playfully and bluntly.

When I connected to my school's free WiFi first thing when I woke up with a headache, I was so annoyed by the bulk of useless messages, stickers and emojis that cramped my storage space. I just hissed and effectively deleted all those nasty chats from my phone.
I was sure if I had taken a bolder step to carefully peruse the messages, I'd have seen them talk about the 'hot and cute couple' that came in a power bike.

Rubbing my temples, I tried to pray but I couldn't dwell long enough to truly reach you cos I was feeling so embittered and my mind ran all over the place, touching nasty possibilities of what could have transpired between Portia and John.
And my stomach hurt bad too. Possibly something I had eaten last night.

A glance at her corner of the room showed that Portia was back already, sleeping in from the result of the hangover still in her dinner gown. I didn't bother looking twice. She could lay there like Sleeping Beauty for the rest of eternity, I didn't care.

I went out of the room, not because I had class, but because I wanted to escape from breathing the same air as this traitor-in-girl-skin.
I thought maybe I could go study, but my usual go-to spot—the Library—would only serve as a haunting reminder of the friend that had ditched me.

I went instead to the Cave of Crooners. Only a scanty pocket of students were there. Many of them had taken the day off because of last night's dinner party. I took a corner of the wide theatre-like lecture hall and sat down in a comfy spot.
I opened my Organic Chemistry handout, but it looked like advanced Chinese language scribblings to me. I gave up after a few minutes and slammed it shut with a frustrated sigh. There was no use. My mind was in a mess. Seriously, I don't know what came over me. Why was I this edgy over nothing?

I pulled out my phone and inserted my hands-free to call Kathy to ask where she was. And that was when my Dad's call entered in. 

I swiped the green button to the right. "Hello Dad!" I greeted, doing my best to sound joyful. I actually was happy to see him call me. He's most of the times busy with missions and running the church that he rarely calls. Only Mom does that regularly and she doesn't fail to send his love. I understand the grind and I'm not complaining. It isn't as if I am also calling home regularly. School is so demanding.