A College Seeress' Diary

Purge

Dear Jesus,

My sweet, amazing, loving, understanding Jesus, I've missed writing in this journal to you. That's not because our communion was broken, but because I had been enjoying the hands-on, moment-by-moment fellowship with you so much that I felt it unnecessary for me to write anything again.

You read my thoughts as plain as anything written in black and white. This consciousness has really cautioned me and helped to guide my thoughts to be more in tune with you than with any other sensual or earthly thing. It's like you're always talking and whispering answers to my inner questions, cheering me up with jokes when I'm bored or down, revealing hidden things to me about some people or situations when you deem it necessary or want me to behave in a particular way Ir intercede for that person (initially, I must admit, it was creepy to see into the real motives behind people's actions, but now that I understand the reason why, I'm relaxing and getting accustomed to it without a nagging guilt). You've become my official gist partner. It's been a really amazing experience, one I hope will never end. 

Sometimes I'd just be smiling to myself at the funny things you say in response to my inner musing at the slightest of things. At times, I'd silently mutter my responses back. A few times, I espied some people looking at me queerly when they noticed my behaviour. Let them gawk all they want. I won't ask you to stop. I'm enjoying this like crazy.

I have been having a wonderful mix of both harsh and soft dealings from you, Lord. The stirring in me to spend more time with you has become more pressing. It's like time has become a boundary.
The Great White Wall has had me as its steady visitor for the past few days.
I kinda feel I'm not the only one using this spot though, cos sometimes I see footprints and fresh scribblings on the wall. Despite it being secluded, quiet and maybe a bit detached from the hubbub in the main campus, I can't help but wonder who else knows of this location. I've never stumbled upon anyone so far. I'm making a mental note to be more careful so that I won't end up in the list of mysterious disappearances on this campus. However, I'm not afraid. I have you as my body guard. Plus, Gloria has been doing a great job so far.

And more and more as I come before your presence, I feel you hammering two things in my heart. My purpose and death to the flesh.
As you emphasize on these things each time I come before you, I see in a clearer light how childish my reaction to John and Portia's going together to the dinner party had been.

After many moments of struggling and denial, I finally admitted to the subtle lust in my heart towards John, hatred towards my roomie and how I have been negligent in your call and purpose for me on this campus.

Kathy's observation that she pointed out the last time we met kept ringing in my mind.

You reminded me of the many revelations and gifts you'd given me. You reminded me of what's at stake. That on my shoulders are hanging the fate of generations and territories.
How foolish I had been! How much time I had wasted already!

Seriously, coming to the cross and dying to the flesh has been a difficult process. And it's one I have had to repeat every day, because the flesh is a stubborn vagabond.
In this short time of your dealings with me, you've been making serious demands on my time, my pleasures and wants, my money and even my dressing style.

The serious part was how you instructed me to begin interceding for specific people by name. Including Portia and John—the very people I had intended to ignore and chain in my heart.

Praying for Portia and being nice to her has been the toughest. She's as hard as a rock. Playing sweet and nice to someone who doesn't recognize and appreciate it is really hurtful.

Praying for John was painful as well, because I knew I had cut myself off from any fantasies I had been secretly concocting about us. Sometimes I cried.
Jesus, I must confess that the feelings I have for him are still there and it isn't easy at all for me to see him relating with me as a regular friend while he is so free and jovial with Portia.
I know they're not officially an item but Portia tries to rub it in my face indirectly.