A College Seeress' Diary

Spiritual Arsenal

Dear Jesus,

"John, what's your reason for not wanting her here? You can't just say she can't be a part of us without a cogent reason," I said.

He had trailed off on the word 'because' and stared into space for a while.

He took a deep breath, stood up and came closer down to the step where Portia and I stood.

"Radiance, I'm sorry," he said, almost in a whisper.

My heart began to thud like a jackhammer against my chest as I looked back and forth between him and Portia, my eyes furrowed in confusion.

"Sorry? Sorry about what?"

He ran his hand through his hair, shoved them into his pocket and let out a whoosh of air. He began to pace muttering stuff to himself that I couldn't quite hear.

I knew he wouldn't get the courage to speak up if I didn't press him for it. Besides, we had to move on to more important matters. Time was slipping by and there was still lots to discuss.

"John?" I called.
He stopped and looked at me pleadingly.

I shouldn't have done it, but I was getting overwhelmed with curiosity. I employed my spiritual vision, looked into his eyes and saw the memory of regret he held there.

I gasped at what I saw. My heart constricted.

I closed my eyes to change back to physical lenses.

"Just say it," I turned my head and said in a pained voice.

"Radiance, I-"

"Are you going to talk or not? We haven't got all day," I semi-snapped, semi-cried.
I knew at the moment I was doing a terrible job at hiding how I felt. Jesus, honestly, I can't even explain how I felt.

John sighed deeply and hung his head.
"I was foolish to have so easily succumbed, Ray. I didn't tell you the full story back then. Things happened that I'm still ashamed of."

I crossed my hands across my chest, majorly to steady myself for the final blow of confirmation from his mouth.

"Like...?" I whispered, observing his discomfort.

He pressed his lips together.

"Say it, John," Pris softly urged him. "Remember what the Bible says about he who hides his sin."

As he opened his mouth to speak, Portia interrupted.

"It was no fault of his. Radiance, I know I have told you a lot about the attacks against you, and yes, this was one of them. I was assigned to seduce John and cause you to fester with jealousy to weaken you both spiritually so that they could easily strike.

"There was a tiny crack in him, so at first, the plan was working. But, after a while, it lessened due to your prayers and forgiveness. I'm very sorry."

Nobody said anything for a long time. It was obvious they were all slightly shocked because they didn't yet know all the details about Portia's past that she had already divulged to me.

I breathed out a shuddering breath.

John looked a decade older, but even more resolute to tell us the full story.
It was obvious it was taking a great deal of energy for him to say what was weighing on him.

Fumbling for words, he stuttered out, "I still have to confess. I... Well, I... kind of, kissed her..."
He grimaced and looked at no one after the atomic bomb had been dropped.

It felt like someone had used an ice sword to stab my chest.

The thick blanket of silence and awkwardness that wove its way into the gathering was almost palpable.