The forsaken (Rainimator book4)

the mind that suffers

POV Charlie

I watched as the younger me, age 13, standing in the small kitchen of our home, from when I was young, my dad was standing there with me. he had just had a long day at work, spending the whole day cooking for other people.

it was the reason I want to learn to cook so that I could cook for him when he would get home from work, the memory was faint, like watching a movie that had half corrupted. I was humming to myself as I cut up an onion. When I caught my finger with a knife, I let out a yelp of pain. Dad had dropped what he was doing and turned to me.

the memory changed, the night it all started, that dark rainy night in the English countryside, walking through the wood, finding the light, the sword that fell through, and everything that came of it. 

this was a fondish memory, my early days in frostbourne, I want to look around outside the walled city for a bit, just get some air and look around, Patrick insisted I didn't go alone, Rain sighed and complained about babysitting me. 

"Okay, Charlie, be careful, the overworld is full of danger and...." I had already started to ignore his warning, looking around, I noticed at the edge of my vision, something green moving through the trees, I titled my head and walked towards it. 

I had seen the creature before, tall green slim, with an almost sacred face, I only had seen a glimpse of them as they charged at Kane, I stared at it, my sonic in my hand. "Now aren't you an interesting thing, What are you?" I asked taking a step towards it. 

the creature hissed, and I arched my eyebrow, and the creature started to hiss more and glow white. "What are you doing?" I asked. 

"CHARLIE!" Rain called grabbing me from behind, he was too slow, the creature exploded, I was blown clear of Rain and landed next to the tree, I sat up laughing.

"Well that's quite interesting, exploding green things," I laughed, Rain stormed over to me and pulled me off the ground.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING! YOU COULD HAVE DIED!" Rain pushed me back, into a tree, "WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING!" 

I froze, "I...I'm sorry, I didn't realise, I...I just want to know what it was," I answered. 

Rain rubbed his eyes, "I shouldn't have pushed you, Charlie, I...I just don't want to see you hurt is all," Rain replied. 

then later months later, during that time when the nether portals were closed, after I returned to frostbourne, how different things felt then, I was writing notes, still working on my prototype shield bracelet. "You want to help him don't you?" I looked up seeing Morgan.

"Huh?" I asked, slightly confused. 

"Kyle, you're going to try and help kyle," Morgan said. 

I nodded, "I have to try, Morgan, he's my oldest friend, I have to try," I answered. 

Morgan shook his head, "He doesn't deserve the chance," Morgan said. "He was willing to turn me and Morgan into nether kin, he doesn't get a chance, not now," Morgan said.

if I'm honest, I think Morgan would have killed Kyle in the end, I really do. "maybe that's where we differ," I mumbled. 

another jump, this time after we beat Naeus, but before the Entity, Before Crystal...thinking about her hurt now, I...I just didn't know what to think. it was about a week after we beat the nether and I still felt rather out of place here. 

I was meeting Kyle in the frostbourne tavern, my best friend...dead best friend, quite a few people were giving him the death stare, as he sat there drinking, a lot, unlike me, who sat there uncomfortable, "Hey...Charlie...What's WRonG?" Kyle asked, his words slightly slurred. 

I shook my head, "It's nothing," I mumbled. 

Kyle just stared at me, "Come on, don't lie to me, I know when you lie, your bad at it,"  Kyle said. 

"I...I feel out of place, here in Frostbournein this world," I answered. 

Kyle laughed, "Really? you fit in here better than you do back home," Kyle said. 

a fist slammed onto the desk, "we don't like your kind here," he said, pulling out a dagger.

Kyle looked at him unamused, he didn't get to say a word as a dagger quickly appeared around the man's throat, "You know what? we rather have him them assholes like you!" A familiar female voice called. 

the man slowed raised his arms and backed off, "Thought I saw you two in here," she said lifting a wine glass, "how are you two?" Ciara asked.

"Drunken," Kyle said.

another memory, this time me and Crystal early in our meeting, before the wedding, before all the shit that followed the wedding, we were walking through frostbourne, in the marketplace, it was that time after I told her I loved her. 

now I wonder if she ever felt the same...

of course, it was cold and frozen that day, and I slipped why we were walking failing into Crystal. she caught me with ease. I laughed. "Sorry, You could say I'm falling for you," I joked. 

Crystal smiled. "You have the worst jokes you know," She laughed. 

I felt so bad watching this, if I had never grown close to Crystal, I could have stopped all of this from happening. But no I had to go and fall in love...like some idiot, I claim I'm smart, but Razer's right. I'm not smart I'm not clever. I'm an idiot, an arrogant idiot who thinks me better than he is.

The memory changed to flicker through faces, Rain, Stella, Morgan, William, Ember, Razer, Nina, Moon, Jun, Andrew and Meeps. maybe they would be better without me after all. all I do is cause them pain. I failed as a friend.

Maybe it's not a bad thing, I stay here, trapped in my mind reliving everything that's happened to me. they get to be out there, live be happy, people are better off without me. I'm sure they are happy out there without me.

then another memory, Frostbourne, after Crystal's death, after Kyle's death, after I stabbed Lilith in the back, after Kyle, the other Kyle told me to talk to Meeps, I hide behind the idea of not letting Meeps help me because she was an A.I, but it was because I didn't want to burden her. 

I...I'm a sorry excuse for a human being, Lyria and Shizuku could both find someone better to learn from, someone less...someone less me. 

I was sitting in the room with Meeps, just talking, explaining to her how I stupidly lead Alice out of the wall of frostbourne and let her get killed by those pillagers. That might have been the event that started pushing me over the edge. 

Meeps was good at this, she knew when to speak when to stop, I wished I was so stupid and started this conversation a long time before.

I just continued to watch these memories on repeat. and with everyone, I felt more and more like I deserve this.