Journal of an Empress

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Chapter 11

I am awsome. I am. I don't have to say it out loud to people. Not anymore. I am so tired of  arguing and trying to sell me in,  to people. I don't want to do it anymore. This is especially regarding men who don't understand it. I have for so long in my life almost begged the men I have fell in love with who I have loved to want me, to see me and to appreciate me. I have for so long, undermined my own value and taking shit that I today can't really understand why. I have dated but when I have got feelings they have withdrawn so I had to be some kind of chaser. When I have tried to leave then they are interested again. It has been so many shitty relationships. 

I have gained this great perspective from the journey the last year. I have so many qualities that I am so proud of but that I had to just super over-advertise to make them to "buy" me. I am today, really fed up with it. So totally fed up. I will not give to people that won't give me what I deserve. I want appreciation. I want love. Genuine giving love. Someone that can't live without me and will adore me for the rest of his life without giving up himself and his soul. I don't get that eager feeling to "chase" when someone triggers that aspect in me. That is a great lesson for me. An ascension that has been so deep to have and learn.

To be authentic to oneself but also to get to meet someone and really, really fell in deep love is something I think we want, all of us. But we shouldn't confuse love with something that is just offers from one side or will come with requires that insult your soul or your beliefs. Or says that you have to be in a special frame or do things in a special way to be accepted. Love should be unconditional given. That is the most important. Unconditional given. Not with demands, making you feel uncertain or unsafe. Love is about safety and feeling like home. Feeling chosen. 

I can forgive. Almost everything. I can forgive. Lots of things. But never ever, I can forgive when people try to sugarcoat honesty with lies. I can't stand lies. In any way. Lies and unfaithfulness don't belong in my or in the world. You lie, you are gone. You pretend, you gone. You try to be someone you're not, bye bye. You are acting cold to just make it a power struggle - you are not welcome. You are being fake to get status - turn around and leave. You are superficial and materialistic - Not for me! I don't accept anyone or anything that aren't honest and true. Never. Ever. Awake not fake. That is my mantra. 

I know that I will fall in love again. The difference now is that I will fall in love with someone that is true or honest. That makes me feel a priority. Always. That is the only thing I will accept.  The journey I have done so far has learned me so much. I really feel strong. I am in myself, mind and heart. They communicate with eachother. I am so happy with having learned that. I am so happy with my journey and how far I have come. I am eager of meeting the future. I am eager of meeting the one that will make me feel as I have come home.

No more advertising for me. This gem sells herself. With just being her.