Journal of an Empress

I am the Empress

Chapter 36

I have had problems in believing in my beauty. I can see people look at me. Turning heads and want to talk with me. I talk with them. Give them my smile and I can see that they really, really like the energy about me.

Problem is looking at myself the same way. I can see it, I am not blind but growing up with magazines with the extreme focus on being thin I have problems with the extra kilos I have gain. Well actually I look strong, charismatic and beautiful but still the numbers on the scale chase me. My thoughts about myself and this has for sure been a topic for my brain to desiccate in small, small pieces. Why I think about my in bad ways? Why I can't love myself just the way I am? I have flaws. I have wrinkles and I don't really care about them. I just don't want others to think that I am lazy and don't have strong character. I think that is way I drive myself so hard. That is why I have problems of being vulnerable. 

This journey has taught me that even I have to be it. I think I am but I am with other people that I am safe with. Also with new people is there is no feelings attached in the relationship. But with new ones I check the energy, the person and try to get to their hidden wishes. I can easily make them come true. I always have in my relationships but I had problems in giving my heart.

Except when I gave it to the DM. The first two years were magical. I was mostly happy. We had some issues like other couples but I stood up for myself and he respected me. He worship me. He loved me, so, so much. THAT I have never experienced. 

The last two years I felt his distance. His need for stuff and superficial shit. His way of behaving towards people, near people. His kids. To me. He behaved like shit. He really did. When he ran I still have the deepest respect for myself and my behavior. No bad mouthing. No calls to him.. I just closed the door. Never gave him a glance or something to bring his burgerking behavior a boost.

I know he loves me in the 5D. I have known that all the time. This summer especially but I have him closed off and just wish for myself to have a love that is vulnerable, open, communicative and respectful. That comes from heart. 

I am thankful for all I have been through and even if I still am learning to see myself as most of the people do it is still a journey for me. That I look forward too. I really do.

Today I saw a brown feather after seeing many black feathers. I have felt that I have been through an ascension spiritually. I feel blessed. Universe, thank you for watching my back. Thank you for being there making me feel that I am never alone. I believe in you and can finally say that I have faith in what you will bring to me on my journey. 

I am the Empress. Proud.Beautiful. Respectful. Loving. Kind. Giving. Always. Always.