Journal of an Empress

Purging old times

Chapter 20

I am broken in my heart. I feel the nostalgic of the hope leaving my body. I feel nostalgic knowing that the person of my heart is gone. No sight of him. No believing that he will come back as the genuine loving person he once was. I know, hope will always be there somehow. Being the Empress means putting love to the ones that need it even when you move on.

I am not staying alone and waiting. No,no. I am not. I have started dating and I know that there will be one out there for me. That will give me true unconditional love. Still it hurts to see someone change in a way that I can't even imagine. I have also have those days of memories of me and him. When we was getting engaged and his devoted love that totally changed in a year. I knew it, I knew it early on that he was becoming a totally changed person. 

Still I have the memories and I cherish them inside. I refuse to make his behavior make it all up. Make the good, warm feelings disappear in his bad behavior. I refuse. I was so in love. I felt so loved. I felt that we had this amazing connection and we had. Some years we had. It was tough, a bit of a roller coaster as it is in this journeys. I know. 

I am still fighting with demons. I am still fighting them off and sometimes I actually invite them in for coffee. It can't be easy being so toxic and negative all the time. I can see they are tired. I can see they are exhausted of this behavior of my DM. I just feel sorry. For lost time. Grateful for worthful time for my growth and my strength. I am stronger. Much stronger. I will survive. I know I will. 

I am not weak. I am a loving, caring soul and will cherish my memories. I have no regrets. At all. I did what I could and I know that I have learned what I can change in a relationship to get it more open, caring and communicative. 

So what have I learned? I have learned that true partners helps each other to grow, as one and as divine pair. I have learned that thrust is fundamental for all relationships. I have learned that I am a true loving, kind and valuable soul and I am proud of me. I have learned that I can grow by my own and don't need anyone that doesn't want to give. 

For now I can grieve no and then. It is totally ok. It feels that someone I truly loved has died. And I will not see him again. As the person he is in his soul. That makes me sad. Why wouldn't it? It is not that I want him anymore. Well at least not in 3D. In 5D he is still beautiful. But I want a person that is better than all this mess. In 3D. With the energy which my DM had from start, with all the love, caring and emphatic feelings. True to his souls purpose. 

So I leave the door open for that better person. He or she is more than welcome!