Journal of an Empress

Sometimes it is tough being an Empress

Chapter 18

I have been strong. I have tried to not blame or say bad things about my DM or anyone that I have crossed paths with. I don't want to offend anyone and I truly don't want to say things that will diminish people. I have tried to believe in honesty, true purpose and that the Divine has my back. Still I believe it, well today I am trying my best in doing it. 

I am trying to continue believing that I will get what I truly deserve. In life and in love. I am trying not to fail my mission of my souls purpose. I am trying to feel my way through life. Really trying to feel my way to what I can give or can't give. I have learned a lot. I really just want to live in an harmonious life with an loving environment. Still I don't know whats wrong or right sometimes. 

I know I have to put everything from the past to go forward and I feel like I have done it. I am really trying at least. Somehow it haunts me what people have put in, in fears and disbelieve in myself. I can't say it is often but some days feel like hell inside my heart. Not that I am longing for my DM. I am more longing for the soulmate that newly entered my life. That unfortunately might arrive to early from his other closure so I had to back off from it. Probably a lesson for the divine to test me. It will come back if it is meant to. 

I am though sick and tired of thinking that things will go to shit. I know that deep inside I have this great, wonderful feelings about me and that thought, that everything that will happen will be for the best. I just have this down moment in my life just now. Something is turning in my favor. I just have a bad day. It is ok to have that. It is not strange that I feel it either. It has been a pressure to audition for the job I wanted, I have said no to the new soulmate entering cause we are not on the same page. I don't feel valued and that is why I can't stay with breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs I don't need. 

I need a full loaf, with raisins and a taste from heaven. I know I am divinely guided and maybe the tears that are falling are needed to ascend higher. It was a long time since I cried. No one can go through everything that I do without having feelings for it. It is not easy when it feels like I am being continuously being hit and put down. To be an Empress is not to not feel, sad and bad things. Feelings are what we are made of. Feelings are the most important things that you have been given in this life. Precious and valuable. 

The most important  is that you have to sort them out. What is now, what is the past and what do you want to bring with you in your forward process in life? What can you get rid off? What can you throw away, what doesn't suit your life's purpose anymore? Just throw it away after you have cleaned it out and sometimes even had to forgive it. Everything happens for a reason and to just walk from it without dealing with the feelings from it,  is not an Empress purpose. Even if you have been treated bad and poor doesn't mean you should do it to another person or most important yourself. Stay true to yourself. Stay true to love. Stay true to caring. Give to the ones that give you back.

You have done your best. Some healing might still be needed but life is a journey and you are learning. Every day. Bad and good. Your are human. You can't always put a smile on your face when you don't want to smile. You can't go around and think that good byes that you made even if they are for the better doesn't make you feel sad. 

The strongest person isn't the one that doesn't show their cards and face. It is someone that can show their feelings, stand up for them and still smile through the tears and say, I will be alright. It is just ok, to not be ok right now.