Journal of an Empress

Schoo schoo be gone

Chapter 9

I woke up with this crazy feelings of longing. I just can't shake them off. It is a mix of memories, regrets and frustration. It is a mix of anger, shame and anxiety. I don't understand why they just arrived now. AIways when I close the door. Today I looked at some pictures, old ones, deleted them from social media. Remembered times when DM was in his heart, open and kind. I got this really heavy spying energy. Needed to see. I just feel sick of seing him, in his 3D person now. I really don't want him back. I don't want to even be close to him after all. He is so much drama, chaotic and the opposite of my energy. 

Sometimes this feels like a f-cking curse. As I say, I don't want him back. I don't want to live with that egomaniac devil. Materialistic superficial asshole (Yes I am sorry, but sometimes I need to speek out LOUDLY)  I am sorry. I just don't want to. I know he once upon a time made magic with me. He felt loving, kind and thoughtful. Family oriented husband material but it changed. Totally. He became a ghost and someone that I would never invite in the 3D to my world. I can't take him back. Even if he comes correctly. I just don't want to. 

I know we didn't have a correct closure. I know he has lots he needs to take of his chest and I will listen if he wants to open up. I can do that. For my sake. But the feelings of him being in this Jekyll and Hyde mode will not bring me anything I really want. Now. It is not enough.  I have a heart for him, I know. I know he has a heart somewhere. I think all these feelings flowing around now,  is about me feeling that he hasn't appreciated all things we did or me. That even though he treated me as shit, lied and played an ego asshole I am suppose to consider taking him back. Cause this soul connection that was so darn strong. Maybe that is why it sometimes haunt me in this way. Or maybe his feeling is all over the place. Like usual. But I am done trying to match his immature way of being a man. It will take so many years for him to step into a man role that I might be in another soul. I am really done with him. Especially in 3D.

There were so many times that he took energy from me. That made me drain and I can just say Universe, I don't want a partner that is like that. I DON'T WANT TO! Even if he is a match, soul connection, NO, I don't want to. I have find peace and harmony in my life. Finally. After years of stress and running. I don't want to. I want someone that is true authentic. 

I know he is totally wishy/washy super f-cked right now but I will not take responsibility for him to grow. I know he has has trauma and need help sometimes. BUT I am not the one that is suppose to help him in 3D. I know I do it in 5D still but that is who I am. 

 I am over being someone that gives energy to people that don't appreciate it. In the 3D. Damn this curse sometimes. Damn these feelings just heading over me. THANK YOU for making me learn the lessons though Divine. Testing me how far I have come. THANK YOU even if I am feeling frustrated sometimes. Cause I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT HIS BETRAYAL TO OUR CONNECTION.  But I accept it, I know it is a divine union in heaven. I know. I understand. I am trying to appreciate every step. Maybe it is all about accepting that someone I truly loved, trusted did this to me. Did lie and ghosted me. Just need to accept it a bit more. That he did it and that is ok to feel mistreated. To feel a bit sad over the loss.

I have grieved this union. I have. I have also thanked this union to once came true because I have learned a lot. So even if I want to say schoo schoo be gone I know that I am thankful and this day will also be a tomorrow and then the feelings has gone. Again I understand that these aren't mine feelings. Still a bit frustrated when they come over me. Especially when I have let them go (thought so though) 

I am not scare of anything. I don't have fear of love or to open my heart. In fact I have the opposite. I fear not opening my heart and speak my truth. I fear not being able to tell people I love them. I fear not being thankful or grateful for lessons I have learned. I am afraid of living life in materialistic view with somebody that doesn't feel the same that I do about life and the purpose of life. I fear choosing someone that don't approach life from heart. I will always be brave enough to choose love.Devotion. Openness. Kindness. Giving and receiving. No matter if I loose. I will always ask. A no is not a problem. A yes can be a new beginning. To not ask is not my cup of tea. 

This day will pass. Grateful in spirit again for the lessons.