Rivals // Norminah

61

The last two weeks had been long and rough. I had to meet with my parent's lawyers to go over my mom's will. I also had to plan and set up her funeral but Dinah and her family offered to take care of all the arrangements to take the stress off me.

Luckily the supply Lani gave me helped a lot. She gave me a month supply of opiates and fentanyl and let me say.... they've made these two weeks slightly easier. The way it makes my skin feel, the way it relaxes me mentally. It's like being high times ten.

Every time I've been around the group I can tell Lani has been nervous I'm going to do something out of character, but anytime I do, I think the rest of them blame it on my grieving process. I don't know... I finally feel like I can breathe again.

Dinah and Zendaya have been staying at my place with me because they didn't want me living alone in this big house. I've been staying in my parents room while Dinah stays in mine and Zen's been in one of the guest rooms.

I told her I just wanted my space a little bit and that I didn't want her watching over everything I do. Plus, I could hide my supply in my parents bathroom since she won't have a reason to go in there. I had my nice little stash of pills ready for my every need.

It helped with a lot with the ongoing depression... but you know the thing about depression is it kinda collapses time. Suddenly, I find my whole days blending together to create on endless and suffocating loop:

I wake up and take some pills.

Dinah and Zen make me breakfast.

Some of the group comes over to hang.

Dinah asks me if I'm okay with them being here and to let her know if I'm overwhelmed. (Little did she know I always was)

Everyone makes slight glances at me waiting for me to break.

They all leave except Dinah and Zen.

Zen says goodnight and goes to her room.

Dinah stays with me scared I may do something triggering or harming.

I tell her I'm fine.

She finally leaves me alone for the rest of the night and I go to my parents room.

I take more pills and turn the tv on till I fall asleep...

All this on repeat over and over. So I find myself trying to remember the things that made me happy. But slowly, my brain began to erase every memory that ever brought me joy... and eventually, all I can think about is how life has always been this way... and will only continue to be this way.

-

There's about 5 more weeks of school left and I can't wait to be done. I can't wait to move out of this damn town. I got accepted to John Hopkins and to join the medical program. I really don't feel like California is my home anymore with my parents. I just want to go to college and get out of here. Leave everything behind in a sense.

Dinah, Zendaya, Lauren, Kehlani, Ally, and I are all chilling in my living room watching a random show. As we're watching Vanessa comes in with a bunch of food.

"Order up!" She yells. She places the fast food down in the middle of us and everyone starts grabbing their orders. We eat are food while creating small talk.

"So Jacob Stevenson is throwing a party tonight, do we wanna go?" Ally asks as she's texting on her phone.

"I talked to Dua, Alessia, Zayn and Keith already and they said they're down" Kehlani adds.

"Sounds like fun" I smile. Dinah leans into my side.

"Are you sure that's a good idea Princess?" She asks. I raise an eyebrow at her.