Alone with my thoughts

14 1 1

by iloveyoubutudont_11

by iloveyoubutudont_11

Shinohara went out this morning and I was asleep. I out-slept Juuzou, I could feel an empty space where his body used to be. I woke up to not finding his presence. I looked around the apartment and I still couldn't find him. I was alone.

Maybe he went out with mr.Shinohara or something.

I sit down on the couch and that's when I realize how much my head was pounding. I was tired even though I just woke up.

I went to the bathroom and took a cold shower. It seemed to calm my head. The voices are louder than usual. I really want to kill someone right now, too bad I don't have work today.

I pop a pill that mr.Shinohara left with a note to me, it's supposed to help. Then I went out to roof of a tall apartment I don't even live in.

I'm a suicidal and homocidle maniac, with both mommy and daddy issues. Not to mention the fact that I have DID along with other mini illnesses like anger issues. What does reí like about me? I never really paid attention to that but for some reason that's all I can think about right now.

How long will it take for me to drive him away? Yea he's got his own issues but he has so much why does he have to deal with me.

I walk over to the edge and stand on the ledge.

Me: "what do you think Hikari, should you just leave or not *giggles*"

Of course we would never end it, That would be boring there's still so many things I wanna do. But I'm not gonna lie~ I've come very close to doing it, I actually tried about 3 times. One of which being a double suicide, sadly we both survived. Well maybe I lied a bit when I said I would never end it all. But think about it, this way, I can choose even my own death!

Ah the sweet scent of fresh air, I've always been used to the smell of rotting crops but at this point I don't know which one is better. Smelling the corps makes me fill up with excitement but the fresh air fills me up with peace, mostly just when I'm alone.

Here's a question, why was Juuzou so forgiving? Why did he understand so easily? Maybe it was because he knew I wasn't in my right mind or maybe he just wanted to pretend like it never happened just so his heart won't break. Will this be the last time? I love rei, but somehow all I ever bring is sorrow and regret.

Im not insecure, I'm confident about myself no matter what others think. I will admit, there are some not socially acceptable things about me but I've never really given a fuck. I've been called a few of names like freak, psycho, crazy, weirdo, bitch, sora, stitched bitch, child, psychopath, homocidle freak, maniac, masochist, puta, meanie, idiot, stupid, insane, annoying, scary,witch. I dunno those are just a few and yea they even annoy me in different languages. But that's fine, like I said before I just punch em in the face.

I've only ever had a few friends that have stuck around until recent events for example daiki, he left not that long ago he even had the audacity to stab me in the back (both physically and metaphorically), there's jade who hasn't left yet but has been distant, then Juuzou who I have no idea what's happening.

To be fair, I kinda like being distant from people. It makes me feel, I don't know, alone I guess, that's usually a feeling people try to avoid but I seek it. I like the idea of being alone, that way I can never feel pain. You don't know pain until you've known love, you don't recognize the night until you've been through day, you don't know lose until you've had something to lose, you don't know sadness until you've felt happiness, you don't know fear until you've felt peace.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be if I succeeded in ending it all.

I get off the roof and head out of the apartment. I got in after I saw someone else getting in so I decided to go in with them. I don't know where I wanna go next, maybe I'll just wonder around waiting for something interesting to happen or maybe I should go somewhere and actually do something even if it's just go back home and sleep.

I take out my phone, calling Juuzou hoping he would answer.

Ring

Voicemail...

So maybe he is mad? I dunno all I wanna do is drown.

I head back home, it's pretty chilly out, or maybe it's just me.

I plop myself onto my bed and fall asleep hoping that this time when I wake up, I'll be next to
Him.