Eunomia

Chapter 59 "I ain't scared of you"

~Bryony~

I got up from bed after having fell asleep crying. It took me a lot to get rid of the ghost, his words... His sentences... His ideas that I wished I wasn't doubting if I shared or not.

I cursed and cursed before leaving the room because if this was happening to me now, I didn't want to imagine what would happen to me when that day comes. I prayed for being able to learn how to control the pain by that time or for having Sebastian to teach me how to do it, maybe he could help me... I felt so good with him, I was sure that what I felt was real but I just... I just wish I was too. I wished the real me was the girl he had fallen for because the girl he didn't know yet... She was real but she wasn't good enough.

Noa was in the kitchen, dressed all in black as usual, that color looked like her uniform. I opened the fridge, looking for something to eat, but I realized I wasn't very hungry... The threat of the depression being just around the corner was starting to take away my hunger. I set the envelope on the counter and slid it over to Noa before leaning against the counter.

"What is this?" She took the envelope then started to open it.

"Two tickets for the big game of our school plus a hotel room. All paid for two people." I explained her knowing we both were thinking about the same second person.

"Aren't you supposed to try to avoid your little sister to share a hotel room with her boyfriend?" She joked as she smiled, moving the envelope with the tickets in her hand.

The way she referred to Eros as 'her boyfriend' didn't go unnoticed to me. I smiled showing Noa I was happy for her but deep down I wished I felt like that... Feel like I still cared about this family when I've been having clear for long ago I didn't anymore.

"I have given you the tickets, the person who would share that hotel room with you is not of my business..." I played dumb though I winked at her, getting an smile out of her lips. "Besides, I already have a ticket..." I said looking down, distracted.

"You are going?" Noa got surprised. I didn't think she would remember the deal with the date of the match.

Her question caught me off guard. Was I going to go...? I was so afraid of that day that I didn't stop to think what would I do on it. Suffering alone would be a good option because I didn't want the ghost to go further and torment anyone else. But Sebastian... He will be in the match and he was so kind in buying the tickets for us... Also I was a little excited to share a hotel room with him... I didn't imagine a better way to spend that day that with Sebastian so I guess I was going to the match.

"I am." I smiled. "Sebastian bought tickets for both of us some time ago." I explained and Noa's smirk made me roll my eyes. "Don't start..." I warned her.

"I would never..." She kept smirking. "I'm just happy that dad is now busy catching you with Sebastian to don't realize my boyfriend is also at my room." Noa emphasized his name, using a different tone of voice. I noticed how she added that 'also' while talking about boyfriends, I wanted to correct her saying Sebastian wasn't my boyfriend but I didn't.

I rolled my eyes letting go every insinuation about Sebastian or me. Noa took her phone to ask Eros if he wanted to go to the match and I was stunned looked at the nowhere, I looked forward but my mind was so messy that I didn't see what was right in front of me.

"Bryony?" Noa calling me for third time woke me up from all those messy thoughts. She had hung up the phone and was with the papers of the envelope in the hand. I turned to her. "Are you going to talk?" I didn't need to hear more to know what she meant.

"I hope not." I forced an smile and left the kitchen, I went upstairs and locked myself in my room again.

I tried to shut up all the voices in my head that belonged to different memories. Just thinking about people asking me to give some kind of breakthrough speech made me want to puke. I could act in many different ways, I have shown it already but stand up in front of everybody and talk about that night was a performance I wasn't up to do, no matter if I was playing the sweetly alive me or not.

Everything was slowly getting out of hands, I didn't want to remember that night... The thought of knowing this would only get worse hit me again, reliving a bit of that night, no matter how little it was, it was a step back too big that I didn't want to take because it would be the beginning... The beginning of something I begged for it to don't be the end of another thing I cared...

December 11th, 2:08 a.m.

Everybody should be asleep by this time, normally they were but there wasn't a 'normally' in this family anymore. We had forgotten about that.

I was awake, now I used to be awake a lot. I was between the blankets of my bed, I had a book in my hands and the lamp of the nightstand on. I had been reading to try to sleep but it didn't work. My family was also awake and I hated when they did that... I hated when the next morning we all had to pretend as if nothing happened during the night because it did.

They thought I didn't realize but I did, my father breaking down around the corners, Noa with black circle under her eyes in the mornings because the nightmares didn't let her sleep at nights and Cameron with hangover almost every morning because that was his way to don't think about things.

I saw under the door how the hallway light was on. I had heard Noa's scream some minutes ago and Cameron hadn't even arrived yet. My father was probably faking he didn't fall asleep crying when he went to comfort Noa, telling her all those things he repeated every time but he didn't believe at all. Lies he wished were true.

Mom wasn't with us anymore, she used to get a smile out of all of us, telling us how much she loved us, she never missed any of Cameron's games, she assisted to all of my performances and never criticized Noa when she started to want all her clothes black, she just took her to the mall... Dad tried to make all of this, I knew he tried very hard however it was hard to maintain this family, pay for Cameron's degree and save some money for when it's time to pay for mine or Noa's.

It was just different... Harder.

I moved away the blankets and get out of bed, I took off the pijamas and put on some black leggings and his hoodie. I took a deep breath when I was already dressed... The hoodie still smelled like Jason.

I took a small bag and put inside of it my phone and the book I was reading some minutes ago, while I did this the thought of meeting him there gave me a warm feeling inside. I never told Jason to come find me in the middle of the night but he was always there... That was exactly what I needed.

With that thought of seeing Jason I left my house, through the window of my room. I had thought about putting some pillows under the blankets in case someone thought about checking on me during the night... But I knew that wouldn't happen so I didn't.

I wanted to scream when I started to remember because that was exactly what I was trying to avoid. I started differentiating his figure in my mirror and I get so angry that I left the room, slamming. I didn't bother in giving Noa an answer when she asked me where was I going, I just left the house. I needed to go to Miami.

I ain't scared of you, I repeat in my mind trying to convince myself, trying to keep him away.