I'm not into love

Chapter 15 Action decides

As I went down to the kitchen to eat ,may mga nanalsik na mata ang tumingin sakin

"Bakit ka nandito?!Did you forget that you supposed to eat ahead of us?!Ayokong kasama ka kumain!You are a disappointment to the family,no you  are not even part of the family!Walang kang kwenta!Pinatay mo siya!Ang kapal ng mukha mong iharap pa sakin ang walang kwenta mong mukha!Sana ikaw na lang ang namatay!" once again my father scolded me.Hindi ako nakatulog ng maayos kagabi kaya nalate ako gumising kaya naman heto naabutan ko ang ama ko.

Ang dad ko madalang lang nasa bahay.Every morning and very late at night because he has the habit of  night drinking.Minsan naman nandito lang siya sa bahay pero I only come to see him from afar because I know that he doesn't want to see my face.Kung gusto ko ring makaiwas sa gulo kaylangan kong umiwas.Kaya  kaming dalawa parehong umiiwas na magkita and that's actually hard considering na nasa iisang bahay lang naman kami.

"Sorry dad" I bowed down my head but he even got angrier.I suddenly realized my mistake.

"You dare call me dad?! Hindi kita anak!Wala akong anak na mamamatay tao" It shot me right through. This is my life. A killer in my father's eyes. An unwanted daughter but I can't blame hi
m.I did kill her.His precious daughter.His favorite.The perfect one in his eyes.My best friend.My sister.My everything.

"Bernard,honey.Tama na please!Hindi lang siya nakatulog ng maigi kagabi.Please just let  this matter go" And there was my caring mother.Kahit na ikinasusuklam ako ni dad,siya naman ay nandiyan parin para iparamdam sakin na hindi iyon totoo pero minsan naisip ko na maybe she's just doing that because she pity me.At ayun ang ayoko sa lahat,ung kinakaawaan ka ..

"it's okay mom.It's my fault.I'm sorry sir" my mom looked horrified pero hindi ko na pinansin. Sir ang tawag ko kasi sabi niya wala akong karapatang tawagin  siyang "dad".

"dapat lang talaga na hindi ka makatulog gabi-gabi.You sure as hell shouldn't be sleeping soundly asleep,you should be guilty for what you did!kainin ka ng konsiyensiya mo!The burden is for you to carry on forever" my father hissed."I know dad".Gusto ko sanang sabihin dahil sa totoo lang everyday of my life has been miserable dahil hanggang ngayon hindi ko parin makalimutan ang mga pangyayari. How in just one day my sister is gone..Forever. All because of oh so stupid so stupid me

"Honey tama na please" my mom pleaded.I clenched my fists.Ayokong nakikitang nagmamakaawa  ang nanay ko
dahil lang sakin,I am not worth it.I NEVER was.

"Sige po mamaya na lang po ako kakain,aayusin ko na lang po yung gamit ko" I wanted to stay but I know I'm not wanted so I better stay away.Sanay na din naman ako kaya siguro para sakin eto na ang "normal".

Kaso bago ako makaalis...

*SLAP*

isang malakas na sampal ang natanggap ko sa dad ko.

"Wag mong uulitin ang pagkakamali mo.Lumugar ka sa bahay na ito.Umalis ka na at ayoko ng makita ang pagmumukha mo" like i said earlier this was...normal.Ilang beses na kong nasampal ng dad ko,he hurts me whenever he sees me because I will always be a remembrance of my sister's death.Sana nga ako na lang ang namatay para kung sakali man maging masaya parin ang dad ko.Hindi siya masasaktan katulad ng nararamdaman niya sa pagkawala ni ate because he never did want me in the first place.

His beatings may hurt and his touch may sting but it will never be enough to pay the price of what I did.Bagay lang sakin ito,kulang pa nga kung tutuusin

I bowed my head not meeting his intense and deadly glare.

"yes sir" and then I went up to my room.

Niligpit ko ang gamit ko like what I said but while I'm doing so biglang may kumatok sa pinto ko. I stared at the door anticipating whoever is on the other side.Lifting my hopes up.

"sweetheart it's me,may I come in?" sighing as I told myself to stop dreaming the unbelievable.Hah as if he would come up to my room.

I got up from my bedside and opened the door.

Nakatayo sa harapan ko ang mommy ko na may dala-dalang tray ng pagkain.

"kain na dear" she said  sweetly.I managed a faint smile

"you don't have to" but then she shook her head

"ano ka ba dear,I am your mother.I oath to feed my kids not starve them to death"I stared at her

"I mean kid..." She looked sad.I sighed.kids.I know her too is grieving and missing her other child.Anak niya yon,why wouldn't she?

"mom..." she then smiled but still I can still see the hurt and the feeling of loss in her eyes.

"Kain ka na anak baka malate ka pa sa school mo"kinuha ko naman ang tray na hawak niya.I sat on my bedside habang kalong ang tray.Sumunod siya sa side ko at nagsimula akong kumain.I then felt weird.

"mom no need.Hindi mo naman ako kaylangan bantayan habang kumakain." when i looked at her nainis ako sa mukha niyang nag-aalala.

"mom if it's about me and dad.ok lang ako.I'm used to it.Please lang wag ka ng mag-alala.kaya ko naman ang sarili ko" she frowned pero nagproceed padin siya sasabihin niya

"it's not about that pero siguro isa nadin un.Yesterday I saw yanyan running down the stairs yesterday.She was....weeping.Tinanong ko kung ok lang siya pero ang sabi niya uuwi na daw siya at sa susunod na lang magsisleep over.I wonder what happened sweetie.Is everything okay?I know something happened betweed the two of you?Did you two fight?are you alright?" she asked in a worried tone.

I ignored her last question and instead I answered the rest

"It was not her fault.It' was me" she sighed

"wanna talk about it sweetie?" hindi ko siya sinagot pero I guess she got my point.

"It may not be my place dear pero sana lang maayos niyo na yan agad.Kung anuman yung pinagawayan niyo I just hope you try to understand her side.Subukan mong mangunang kausapin siya.you are blessed to have her,you know?I'll be honest here.She was really trying her best to undertand you at your complicated state.Don't get me wrong sweetie,hindi siya naaawa sayo kaya kanya kinaibigan kung yun ang iniisip mo.She befriended you because she wanted to.It was by her own will.Kaso sa nakikita ko nasasaktan siya at nahihirapan siya...alam mo ba kung bakit?" I averted my eyes from her.

"Malaki ka na anak kaya alam kong marunong ka nang pumili ng tamang desisyon sa buhay mo at alam ko na alam mo na ang tamang gawin.Always remember that time decides who you meet in life,your heart decides who you want in your life and your ACTIONS decides who stays in your life kaya naman it all depends on what you choose to do.You're a smart and strong person,I know you can do this right" She gave me a warm and sweet smile.It almost made me melt in it but the kind of person I am I did not but her words did struck me.

Mahirap man aminin pero tama ang sinabi niya.it all depends on my actions.

"mom..." my words got stuck again pero binigyan niya ko ng reassured smile

"it's okay sweetie,I know what you  wanted to say and you're welcome.Anything for you my baby."She smiled again and left my room.