Changed. Bucky x OC

.Good.

Its been a month since my miscarriage and I just wanna say fuck you to whoever first said 'only time will heal' cause that's complete and utter bullshit. All I keep thinking is I'd be 16 weeks right now. Some women feel their baby kick at 16 weeks I could have had that. Dear lord this hurts.

My miscarriage has also completely passed. Which I have mixed feelings on. In one way I am happy that there is no longer pain going through my abdomen. On the other hand I now know that my baby is completely and utterly gone. I feel empty. 

Speaking of empty that's another bottle done. 

"Hey Buckaroo, come dance with me" I shout. He isn't drunk he can't get drunk however I am. I really should have tried this stuff ages ago it's amazing. 

"Doll get off the kitchen counter you're gonna fall" He says. 

"Ok ok, How about... I dance for you?" 

"Oh yeah?" He asks with a smirk. We already have music blasting at least I do Buck hates it. Fucking old man. 

I jump off the counter and walk over to where he is sitting. I sit down on his lap and grind a little to the music. He lets out a low moan. Bucky's big hands creep up and grab onto my tits I moan and let my head fall back. I leave some sloppy kisses on his neck before standing up and removing the shorts I was wearing. 

Bucky's eyes never leave me, as his hand starts palming himself through his jeans. I take my hair out of the ponytail before taking my shirt off. I stand in front of Bucky only in my bra and underwear. Still swaying my hips to the music. 

"Get on your knees" Bucky commands. 

I don't even dare reply knowing that it won't be well received. 

He wants me to get on my knees? I'll get on my knees, happily. 

I kneel in front of the chair. Bucky pulls his jeans down to his ankles along with his boxers lettings his hard cock spring free. I grab hold of his thick cock and place kisses around it. I then lick a stripe up the bottom of his shaft letting my tongue run through the slit. 

I finally much to his relief take him all in my mouth. I can feel the tip hitting the back of my throat. 

Thankyou god for creating me without a gag reflex. 

I bob my head up and down sucking as I do so. Bucky the take all of my hair into a ponytail and starts guiding me. He keeps doing this but starts moving his hips. By the end of it he is essential fucking my mouth, not that I'm complaining. 

"Jesus I don't know where you learnt to do this, and I don't wanna know but I'm grateful" He says through pants. 

I lift my hand up to give his balls and little squeeze as he continues to face fuck me. I can tell he is close I can feel his dick twitching in my mouth. He cums, releasing all of his load into my mouth. I pull back and swallow all of it still looking him dead in the eyes. 

I stand up and Bucky puts himself away. I put my shirt back on which is actually Bucky's shirt so it comes down to my thighs. I don't even bother with my shorts. Bucky beckons me over. I sit down on his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. He kisses me on the lips. 

"Are you coming to bed it's almost 2 in the morning?" He asks. 

"I might stay up a little longer, you go ahead though I'll keep it down" 

"Alright then, night love" He kisses me on the head and goes off to bed. 

I sit on the couch starring at the wall. Imagining that what life would be like if I had a baby. It's 2 in the morning now so maybe the baby woke up crying and I'd have to put he or she back to bed. Read them a book or sing them a song until they fall asleep. 

I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. My hand runs over my stomach where my once small baby bump was. 

I know it was small but it reminded me that I was going to have a baby. I find myself placing a hand over my stomach often now. Whenever I remember the fact that I could have had a baby. 

All I can feel is sadness. I feel jealous when I see another woman and her baby or another pregnant woman. I feel as though I failed Bucky and now he can't have a family. I know he still loves me but I don't know if he will ever look at me the same way he did when we found out I was pregnant. 

I don't even know why he is still with me. I lost our child. I don't do any normal 'wife duties' other then blow him. I don't know what to do with myself. What did I do before I was pregnant? I know I had a life. I feel so useless I am not growing a human anymore infact I failed at that. I don't have a job. The apartment is done there are no projects for me to complete. 

Maybe I should just go back to HYDRA it's the sort of thing I deserve. The innocent people that I killed don't deserve to die. But I deserve the torture. I killed something so innocent and so pure. No I didn't kill it. I just failed it. I failed at being a mother before I was one. 

I realise I am balling my eyes out now. I bring my head down into my knees and let the sadness take over me. Realising that I won't ever have that baby again. Sure I could have one in the future but will it be the same? Will Bucky be as excited, just for me to let him down again? 

I feel more sober now that I have cried and exhorted myself. I don't like it. The emotions have come in more now that I have more of a clear mind. I need to numb the pain to get through this.

I stand up and walk over the kitchen looking for any drinks that we have left. I see a bottle of vodka in the high cabinet. I get it down and take a swig. 

I feel good again.

A/N

As you can see Via is not doing well. If any of this triggers you I am always free to chat. I know personally I have people who are affected by addiction and it hurts to write but I also found it fitting. Also because Via has come out of HYDRA and tried something new that's gone wrong. Anyway hope you enjoyed. Please comment if you are enjoying this.