A Soulmate's Love

Chapter 73 - Promises

"If I just rip the stitches out, I could sleep." 

My heart pounded in my ears as I visualized the slow and eventual process that would take place if I were to let my fingers slip. If they happened to get caught on the stitches, I could sleep with no pressure of waking up. 

I needed to sleep, for god's sake. It has been days since I've been able to rest, and there was nothing I wanted more than for it all to stop. I wanted to stop hearing people say such ugly things about me to my face; I wanted to stop healing myself in the dark of my room; I wanted it all to stop. 

I felt like I was drowning in this world, and wanted to stop fighting the pressure of the water for tiny breaths. I wanted to stop fighting the current and let myself be taken away by it, at peace with no more battles to fight. 

I could do it.

I had read the books. 

I knew exactly what arteries were closest to my stitches, I knew how long it would take for me to pass out while the rest of my body started shutting down, and I knew that by the morning, instead of going to that meeting, I could be peaceful.

What would stop me?

At the end of the day, no one here really cares about me. They care about the money my mother throws at them. They care about doing their job and getting by comfortably to support their family. I mean nothing to them. I mean nothing to anyone. 

I have no businesses to run, no employees depending on me to survive, and no ongoing projects. 

No one would be truly affected if I were to be gone tomorrow morning. 

My family would attend the funeral, reminisce for a day before being reminded of their busy lives and move on without much thought. My coaches would dismiss me as another rich kid who was too weak for the pressure of real life. My friends have many others to replace me and have probably already moved on since my departure for the winter break. 

And George...

He might not know it, but he deserves so much better than me. He deserves a girl who is perfect in every way just like he is. One that can pass any class without the terrible pressure of anxiety and expectations; the type of girl that goes through life with a smile and not a care in the world - an optimist; George deserves the type of girl he never has to worry about because she is always brilliantly happy and calm. 

George Weasley is my favourite person. 

My absolute favourite. 

But I can't be selfish and have me be his favourite person when he doesn't know of all the extraordinarily beautiful, kind, and happy girls that exist. If he were to have perspective on the matter, he would see that he can do so much better. He would see that there is an abundance of gorgeous, mentally-stable girls that would be with him in an instant. 

If he were to see all of the scars that are a product of my mistakes or failure, he would be embarrassed to be with someone so lacking. Someone who has so many flaws has failed so many times, and is essentially, so disappointing. 

Time and time again I have disappointed people in my life when I was doing my best. If my best got my body marked in the most disgusting ways, what does that say about me? 

Just the thought of him, however, injected some desire to stay awake into my bloodstream. I'll be honest - I don't really want to be alive anymore. As selfish as it seems, I want to lie down and never stand back up. I want to never do anything for this elitist fucking society ever again. I want to rid myself of all stress and be still - for once.