On and Off the Track

S E V E N T E E N.

Saturday, 14th may

I spent the whole week completely invested in my work. I needed all the distractions I could get. It was nice, being fully concentrated on my work and not thinking about anything else. I had my agency increase my work load and now I have multiple work trips coming up. The one I'm most excited about is the one to Hawaii for Sports Illustrated. It's always been my dream to do a shoot with them.

At work I was happy and okay, but I couldn't help that numb feeling welling up inside of me during the night. The breakup was still raw and hurt almost worst then ever. I message lando earlier in the week asking when he would be out of the house so I could get my stuff. I only brought my phone which meant for the last week I was using all of Milas stuff. He was out today for training. I got changed and made my way over there. I made sure to wear no makeup as I knew I would cry.

The walk over to the apartment was nostalgic. Memories of Me and Lan flicked through my head. Every bone in my body loathing him; but that tiny part of me. Located right at the back of my head, nestled away, far from anyone. Still wished him the best and loved him. I tried to swallow the lump that was emerging in my throat. I arrived to the door of the building, and took a minute, to blink away the tears. I turned my back to it and faced the pier. The tranquility of the sea, calmed my emotions. With a massive sigh, I made my way to our apartment. The smell of him burned through my chest. Thousands of moments flooded back to me. The time we sat on the floor, when we first moved in with no furniture, and laughing until three am or when we had a movie night when the rain poured down outside. My favourite one being when we he got his first win, sitting there with him for hours as he went through ever second of the race, pure happiness covered both our faces. I bit my lip and pushed the feelings down. Wrapping my arms round my body, self hugging myself as I wondered round the apartment. Reminiscing on old memories, both happy and sad. My eyes burned as I tried to keep my tears at bay. The apartment looked frozen in time, everything of mine just where I had left them. I packed a couple of clothes and toiletries. Anxiously, I rubbed my hand along my collar bone, my fingers getting entangled in an necklace. Lando's necklace. My hands were shaking as I removed it, placing delicately on the island. Biting at my fingernails, I took one final look at the apartment. One final breath, to savour the smell of home and previous comfort.

The walk back I could feel my chest become tighter, my mind get faster and my breathing get deeper. The sun had set, so luckily visibility was low. I didn't not want the public to see me like this. My bag dug into my shoulder, leaving a mark. My lungs burned as I burst through Milas door. My vision blurred as I made my way to my room. I dropped the bag to the floor and slid my back down the wall. Before I knew it water dropped from my eyes down the bridge of my nose and onto my cheeks. The salty flavour settling on my lips. I had told myself I was fine that day, and tried to push any feeling down. Before I knew it I was sobbing, muffling my quiet screams of anger, frustration and sadness. It was one of my worst attacks. I was lying on the ground, shaking like I've never shaken before. I don't know if I've ever cried so much. Or have my chest hurt so much. Or have my heart race so fast. I don't think I have even felt closer to death. I felt like I was drowning in my own tears. I couldn't breathe and I was becoming increasingly dizzy. A nauseating feeling creeping up through my stomach. I didn't even hear Mila swing open the door, pure concern covered her face. She dropped beside me, hugging me so tightly. The compression and rocking allowed me to get control of my breathing. To begin to feel okay again. "i know it's not easy, I know it hurts. I can tell you're overthinking, a million questions running through your head. Unable to sleep, creating different scenarios in your mind while making a mental list of regrets but you can't blame yourself for someone else's inability to love you the way you deserve. Tonight is just like any night, difficult as hell but you'll do what you've always done. You'll get over it, you'll get through it. You'll be okay." Her words being spoken into my hair as she wrapped her arms tighter around me. She knew exactly what to say. I looked up at her, I sighed in relief. The adrenaline wearing off quickly, making my body to feel heavy and weak. I crawled into bed and tried to go to sleep. But I found myself turning all night, my mind blank but unable to turn off.