On and Off the Track

F O R T Y T H R E E.

20th of July

I had royally fucked up. I sat in my apartment for days, staring blankly at the wall. Ignoring every phone call I got and cancelling every job I had planned. The only call I wanted to receive was from them. But neither of them called. Hours passed by and the only thing that was on my mind was how I had lost both Charles and Mila. I had truly hit what felt like rock bottom. I thought I felt true sadness when me and Lando broke up, but this, this felt one hundred times worse. This was worse as I felt nothing, my body was numb. Before I had rage and sadness that made me feel like I was still living, now I felt like I was a shell of a person. I was still wearing the same clothes from days ago, on a repeated cycle of waking up, staring at my ceiling and then falling asleep again. I glanced over to my clock, reading 1am. Once again it was time for me to fall back asleep. I don't know what made this time different but when my phone pinged I felt the urge to look at it. A part of me hoped it was a notification from any of them. But what I saw, I wished I never did. Because what I saw hurt me more than anything ever had. What Mila said to me had truth which I now had begun to realise. I was selfish. I was selfish to Lando in our relationship. I would be lying if I said I felt nothing towards Charles towards the end of me and Lando's relationship. I was selfish to Charles by keeping this from him. But above all I was selfish to Mila. However, what I saw on my phone felt like the world had ripped out my heart and stamped on it a million times. The sadness went so deep into my heart I couldnt even cry.

At this point it generally felt like I had a sign on my forehead that said cheat on me. I was also beginning to hate twitter. I looked up towards the ceiling once again in an effort to stop the tears from streaming down my face. A quivering sigh escaped my throat as I thought how badly I didn't want it to end like this. I didn't have it in me to go through this again, and not with him. That would physically break me. I picked up my phone again and stared at the girl in the photo with more jealousy than I had ever felt in my entire life. My eyes burning through the screen so fiercely, she could probably feel it from wherever she is in the world right now. For the first time in five days I finally felt something. Complete jealousy, my face was green. The thought of her having even a part of him made my blood boil. My hand gripped so hard to my phone that my knuckles had turned white. I flipped over and screamed into my pillow until my throat was raw. Finally falling over onto my bed as a laugh slipped my lips. Why was it that every boy I have been with felt the need to cheat on me? Was I really that easy to disrespect and walk over? I tried to fall asleep but every time I closed my eyes all I could see was them together. Her having a part of him that was mine.

I tossed and turned for hours, my mind refusing to turn off. I thought I was hallucinating when I heard my door knock. As if I had gone insane through jealousy. But when I heard it knock for a second time, harder and with more urgency then the previous, I knew what I was hearing was true. I scrambled out of bed, cautiously making my way to the front door. Looking through the peephole, what I saw made me take a step back, look around and pinch myself. I seriously thought I was hallucinating at this point. I checked again and to my surprise what I saw was still there. The dim lighting that lined the corridor made it difficult for me to recognise their features but even then I knew them. I would recognise them by touch alone, by smell; I would know them blind by the way their breaths came and how their footsteps sounded. I made a quick attempt to fix my hair in the mirror by my front door, knowing it would be no help to my overall appearance. I had three different types of food stains on my t-shirt and hadn't showered in days. Once again another knock was pounded onto my door. I had to open it otherwise they would wake up all of my neighbours. I caught my breath as I opened the door.
'I didn't sleep with her' Charles was propping himself up on the door frame to keep himself stable and the smell of alcohol filled my whole apartment as soon as I opened the door. I knew I was seeing him stand there in the flesh but still I couldn't believe he was there. The last time I saw him, I thought he wanted nothing to do with me. But now, watching him stand in my doorway, distressed and despairing, I could see that glimmer of care I was searching for a couple of days ago.
'Okay' I held onto the end of the sentence.
'Just let me in so I can explain' a part of me didn't want to, he gave me no chance to explain when I was standing crying at his door 5 days ago. He shut the door on me and I wanted to do the same. But I couldn't. However hard I tried to get my muscles to close the door, I couldn't. I couldn't do that to him. I stepped aside, not saying anything but my gesture signalled to him to step inside. He strided into the kitchen, while I took my time closing the door and following behind him. I was cautious, my steps and my body were cautious. Cautious of what he might say, what he might do and how this may pan out. I stayed by the arch way entering into the kitchen, distancing myself from him who stood on the other side of the room. My eyes were fixed to the floor but I could still feel his eyes pinned on me, his stare burning into my skin. With a heavy sigh I finally looked up, my eyes meeting with him. His eyes burned with regret as desperation flooded over him. I continued staring at him, but all I could focus on was the picking hot sensation on my cheeks. My jealousy was too loud to focus on anything else. This girl had the power to anger me more than anyone has before. 'Bronte' I snapped back into the room, his arms pinned to his sides and his fingers dug into his palms
'Did you kiss her?" My bluntness cutting through the room like a knife. I step forward, still livid. My heart thuds in my chest. A part of Charles wanted to lie, to see me squirm and feel a fraction of what he felt when he saw those photos. The rage that burned through his skin, the most amount of rage he has ever felt in his entire life.
'You want the truth" he demanded. 'She was pretty, and was asking for it. But I was bored out of my fucking mind. So you were right. Are you happy now'
'Did you kiss her charles'
'No. Okay you were right, I'm not letting us end. A part of me wanted to kiss her but I couldn't.  I wanted you to feel just an ounce of the jealousy I have felt towards you. All those times I watched you with Lando made my blood boil. I wanted to kiss her and make you feel just the tiniest amount of what I have felt all these months but I couldn't. I couldn't hurt you like that and the thought of kissing someone that wasn't you made me feel sick.'
'Jealous, you were jealous' a smile tugged at my lips. If I had felt a fraction of the jealousy he felt when I saw the picture of the girl, I couldn't imagine what he felt.
'It's not funny Bronte,' he let out a small laugh, 'you make me feel insane. Whenever I'm racing you know what I'm thinking about, you. You and what I will talk about later or a funny thing that happened in my day that I desperately want to tell you. Don't you realise how much I hate it? You are there all the time and I can't fucking think straight. I hate it' he spoke so quickly, I had difficulty making out his words. When he finished speaking he let out a massive sigh as he tried to catch his breath. I let out a chuckle, I had to use my hand to cover my mouth in order to stop from letting a full laugh escape my lips. As soon as my eyes met his again a smirk appeared on his face, revealing his dimples that I loved so much. A silence filled the room while he looked desperately towards me. I looked up to the ceiling and chuckled, shaking my head as I walked over towards him. I could feel his body relax as I came closer. His arms snaked themselves around my waist as I wrapped my arms round the back of his neck. Without any thought, I kissed him. The world finally went quiet and time stopped, just me and him. Kissing him felt right, like nothing in the world could ever make me feel more at home. As much as I would like to continue kissing him forever, I pulled back ever so slightly.
'I don't care,' I said, making Charles take a step back, and furrow his brow.
'What do you mean?'
"I don't care about any other person, all that matters to me is me and you. You know that right,' he nodded his head slowly, 'when I went to talk to Lando, it wasn't for permission or for a warning. It was so I could finally be done with that part of my life. I want to be done with it, done with him, done with the drama, done with it all. All I want is you' Charles did not respond but only went to kiss me again. It was the type of kiss you melt into, there was no passion but there was care, and a lot of it. After a while Charles pulled back, his eyes crinkling by the side.
'Your mine and that's that' he stated
'Thats that' I echoed, a happy sigh in my voice, 'I thought you were done with me'
'Bronte I don't think I can ever be done with you'