On and Off the Track

F O R T Y O N E.

14th July

The moment I arrived back home, I was working. Catching up on meetings, going to events and brand deals. I only missed a week of work but it felt like I was catching up from a year's worth of work. I was so busy my bags from the trip were still left unpacked in the corner of my room, I hadn't had a single free second to even attempt unpacking. Mila was in the same boat as me so was also running round Monaco like a headless chicken trying to do a million and one things. I was able to see her a few days ago for a quick lunch and catch up. The majority of the conversation being about either Charles or Pierre. I hoped that my busy week would keep my mind of Lando and seeing him. Sadly it didn't. Everything made me think of it, I was nervous to say the least. The idea of seeing him, alone, made my stomach turn and not in a good way like I have with Charles. Which in hindsight is probably a good thing. Last thing I would want is me falling for Lando again. But regardless, I couldn't forget that night we saw him, the fact I am seeing him later tonight and worst of all who that girl was. It bugged me that it bugged me. I don't want him any more but still that girl made me anxious, the worst part being I have no reason to even think they are even together and I am happy with someone else so Lando can be too. But it bugged me. I could tell for the whole lunch that Mila wanted to ask me about my thoughts on it but decided against it. She probably knew that I didn't even know what to think about it. I called Charles almost every day, but both our busy schedules made it difficult. I had planned on telling Charles that I was going to see Lando but it never felt like the right time and I could never figure out the right way to say it. Hey Chalres I'm going to go see my ex which you loath to talk about me and him. Yeah that would never go down well. But I procrastinated too much, I was leaving in just under an hour to go see Lando and I hadn't told Charles. I know I would have to tell him at some point but something like this just didn't seem right to say over the phone. Charles was flying home in 2 days, on the sixteenth. Lando however arrived back here only a few hours ago and was coming straight from the airport to see me.

As I walked towards Lando I instantly felt like this was a bad idea. We agreed upon a harbour we used to go to almost every day when we were living together. It was right in front of the marina and you could look out at the sea that flawlessly turned into the sky. He had his head turned away from me as I approached, his papaya jumper reflecting the sun making me squint as I did so. Without saying a word, I sat down beside him allowing my legs to dangle over the edge. The ripples of the water distorted the rocks below but still you could see straight down to the bottom, the water was the clearest I had ever seen it and blue, the brightest of blues. I pushed my sunglasses up the bridge of my nose and ran my fingers through my hair as I waited for him to speak. We sat in silence, both of us awkwardly shuffling beside each other and both of us not wanting to speak first or not knowing how to even start the conversation. I sighed, moving my arms back to push me up so I could get up and leave. If he wasn't going to speak, this was pointless. I watched his head lift up as I stood to my feet. I waited a moment seeing if he would say something, smoothing down my skirt as an excuse to stand still. But he didn't. I watch his mouth open but then close, his gaze fixed on the sea below him. I rolled my eyes as I turned around on the balls of my feet, my arms slapping themselves across my body as I crossed them. My mind was determined to leave but my legs were reluctant to go, each step felt like it drained all my energy. I must have made three steps until I heard him finally speak,
'Bronte' I stopped dead in my tracks. His voice was croaky, fragile almost but still had the ability to make my heart feel like it had just been punched and strip my lungs of all their air. I stood frozen, my back turned from him as I regained my breath. I threw my head to the sky and turned back around, my eyes reluctant to open again. I felt the cool evening breeze fill my lungs and soothe my prickly hot skin finally allowing me to open my eyes and actually look him in the eye. As soon as I did I wished I didn't. Seeing him this clearly with no poor restaurant lighting or a million people in the way with that pitiful look on his face made every memory I pushed to the back of my mind come rushing back. Our first conversation, our first date, every moment we ever laughed together, every time we ever smiled, anytime I felt happy around him, every time I fell in love with him came back. But also there was every time I sat crying over him, every time he was probably with a different girl, every time he lied to me, every time he broke us. I stared blankly at him, shoving every memory back to the place it belongs so I could focus on being in the present. Watching him just sit there emotionless, made my blood boil.
'Lando if you aren't going to say anything I'm just going to go home as this will be pointless' my arms tightening around my body as he continued to stare. I let out a sigh, rolling my eyes so obviously I'm surprised the whole of Monaco didn't see it and stormed off.
'Bronte, just stop. This isn't easy. You can't expect me to just talk like nothing happened' every bone in my body now told me to leave, but I still felt myself turning around. Giving him another chance once again. My eyebrows pinched together as I walked over towards him. Now standing beside him, I looked down to him, chewing at my cheek in anger. I tapped my foot as I waited for him to speak, once again.
'Oh my god' I threw my hands up in anger, Lando hand catching my arm as it fell down, looking directly up at me as he did so.
'Sit down.' My jaw dropped at his command, he was not about to try and be rude to me. Not now, not after everything. Like I always do, I went against every instinct I've ever had and sat down beside him. My eyes fixed on him as he ran his hand through his hair. He remained looking forward, finally he sighed and looked at me. 'I'm sorry, Bronte. I really am' his eyes had now turned icy blue from tears that balanced on his eyelashes. His sincerity took me by surprise, causing me to swallow the lump at the back of my throat. I couldn't carry on looking at him, it hurt me too much too. I looked down at the water, picking at my fingernail in an attempt to hold back my tears. He looked tired, so exhausted with the guilt of everything that had happened that it drained all emotion from his face. 'I'm sorry' he whispered again. My shoulder sulked in acceptance, I turned towards him with a smile just as pitiful as him.
'I know you are. I know that. I've always know that you are sorry'
'I never meant to hurt you' my eyes shot towards him, he didn't not just say that. I rolled my eyes, scoffing at his stupidity.
'You chose her. You chose her over me. You chose to become distant. It was all a matter of choice. The moment you gave up was the moment you chose to lose what you had with me. So don't you dare come back and say you didn't mean to break what you promised you wouldn't.'
'Bronte I didn't mean that'
'Well you said it. I did everything. I supported you but you did everything you could to ruin us. I wanted nothing more than to stand behind you. But there is a difference between standing behind you and being treated as a girlfriend, then standing behind you and letting you walk all over me. You chose not to respect me when all I wanted to do was be with you. You blamed your mistakes on me. I put up with it for months while you chose another girl. You made me the bad person because you needed someone to blame.' I turned away, leaning my head back to stop the tears from coming, but it didn't work.
'You say it like I hated you' he tried to speak, but he choked on his tears.
'You acted like it' I snivelled.
'Bronte never once have I hated you.'
'Then why did you do it? What possible reason do you have for you cheating on me' I looked directly at him, clenching my jaw as I watched him carry on looking forward.
'There isn't one. I have no idea why I did it'
'How many times' I knew this question would hurt me but I needed to know. He looked up at me, completely shocked with what I just asked. He was completely unable to form a sentence. 'How many times Lando or do you not know' I scoffed, my body shutting off from him once again.
'No... I don't know... No I mean I do know but...' I was in complete disbelief, was he actually being serious.
'Was it one girl or multiple.' He stayed quiet, stumbling over his words. 'Lando im being serious, answer one of these questions at least.' He took a deep breath, scared to say what he wanted to say.
'It was one girl. Met her in Saudi and we carried it on until...'
'Until when Lando'
'Until the breakup then I stopped it'
'How considerate' I remarked sarcastically.
'Bronte ou can't blame this all on me' I shot him another look
'You can't still believe that do you'
'I have a point'
'No you don't, I was still perfectly in love with you when you were in Saudi with another girl'
'I will take all the blame for what happened in Saudi but we both know towards the end we both wanted out'
'That was because of you' I started to raise my voice but stopped myself quickly. I went back to looking out at the sea, trying to calm my breaths.
'Bronte I'm not stupid, I saw how you looked at him' Lando said after a while.
'What do you mean how I looked at him? We barely saw each other'
'My point exactly. You know who I'm talking about without me even having to say his name.' My face dropped, unsure where to look, my wandering gaze didn't settle. 'Bronte you looked at him how you looked at me when you still loved me' my chest was heavy with guilt. I looked back up at him, both of us looking at our tear stained faces, a faint laugh mixed with tears left our lips. We both sighed as he wiped away his tears. 'Do you like him'
'I didn't want to' a quivering sigh left with my words.
'But you do'
'I do' he nodded his head slowly, taking in the information carefully and choosing his next words with even more care.
'Is it serious?' he pressed.
'It's serious enough' I answered. He stared at me silently. 'What' I asked him, 'why are you asking me these things'
'I want to know these things'
'These aren't the things you get to know now.' I said, getting annoyed now. 'You left me, remember. I don't wander into your life, disturbing you, so please don't do it to mine' again he stayed silent as he stared at me. 'Stop that, stop staring at me' I yelled.
'I just want to make sure you're happy, that's all' he sighed.
'I'm happy Lando' at that moment I finally realised that there is no reason for us to ever get back together. I don't actually mean together, as a couple. I mean there is no reason for us to get involved in each other's lives or anything. The people we once were are completely gone and there is no way of us ever getting that connection back. There's nothing more I will ever gain from being close to him, no matter what angle I try. I was happy without him. There was a moment where I thought I never could be, but I was happy without him.
'I'll always be here for you Bronte. Whatever you need'
'I know and you know the same goes for you.' He pulled my shoulder in for a hug, hesitantly I rested my head on his shoulder. Reluctant at first before realising this was our goodbye. Our proper goodbye. It finally felt like four years of my life was not wasted but that everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that some part of me will always love Lando but I will never be in love with him any more. I pulled my head off his shoulder and stood up. Taking one more look at him, I walked away.

I decided to walk home, my head needed the night air to organise its thoughts. I was shocked to see my apartment lights were on when I opened the door. I was completely composed until that point but seeing Mila standing there made every emotion I ever felt this night flood my eyes. Seeing her stand up from the sofa, a concerned look on her face as she had no clue how it went, made me appreciate her more then ever. I dropped my keys to the floor and my tears turned into sobs. Mila came running towards me, wrapping her arms around me. Her hug held me up as my knees were too weak to.
'What happened, are you okay'
'It went perfectly'
'Oh okay' she said, slightly taken aback by my response. I pulled myself together, wiping away my tears and smiling back at Mila, my face puffy and wet. I follow her over to the sofa to sit down. 'What happened'
'We are done'
'Yeah i knew about that, that happened months ago. B you okay.' She said half laughing, half concerned that I had experienced memory loss.
'Yeah I know that. But now we are done. I don't need him any more. I still care about him even though he broke my heart. But I don't need him anymore. I'm happy without him. My life continued without him' my laugh was snotty and my voice was croaky.
'Okay that's good.' My head fell onto her lap. 'What did you guys talk about' she asked running her fingers through my hair.
'Everything, found out it was only one girl but since Saudi'
'Continuously'
'Yep, but I don't know which one would be worse, one girl or multiple. Multiple is more disrespectful but one girl mean he probably liked her which hurts more'
'Either scenario is shit B, don't overthink it too much'
'Yeah you are probably right. He knows about me and charles'
'Okay' she needed a second to take that one in, most likely shocked that I actually told him. 'What was his reaction'
'He was happy for me''
'He was happy for you'
'Well maybe not happy but he was accepting of it'
'That's good''
'It was good'