Depression

Why am i like this ?

Dazais pov :
Everyone just stood there staring at Ranpo.
He was looking at the ground .
He was smiling ?
"Why are you smiling ? Do you not know what just happened ?"
Kunikida is yelling .
Again.
"I wanted to see how far he would go . He really doesn't care what he says as long as he gets his point across does he?"
Ronpo sits down and opens a bag of sweets .
"What just happened?"
The president comes round a corner .
"Ranpo and Atsushi got in a fight but Ranpo was testing him and Atsushi ran off somewhere"
Dazai explains while finding Atsushi on his contacts.
"Ronpo are you alright and why did you do that ?"
"I'm fine and needed to know what state of mind he was in right now because he was getting distracted ."
"Ok and how is he ?"
"Oh he's horrible you should probably find him."
Dazai is calling Atsushis phone .
A ringing goes off in the agency .
His phone was on his desk .
"I'll go look for him and tell you if I find him "
Dazai runs out the agency .
He looking round every corner.
Apart from one .
He ran straight past it .
And there was Atsushi smoking in the alleyway he passed.
Atsushis pov :
He had grabbed something and ran out the agency .
He ran till he found somewhere familiar.
The alleyway .
The place of joy .
He walks in .
"Hi kid haven't seen you in a while . You at work ?"
"Well yeah but no I ran away . Pass that here "
He sits and smokes with the others .
They all turn to see some guy breathing heavily outside the entrance.
He soon moves on running .
Atsushi hands the guy back his vape .
"Shit that was my boss he's looking for me bye "
"You smell of drugs "
"I'll shower "
Atsushi bolts it out the alleyway and the opposite direction Dazai was running .
He runs home which was only a few blocks away .
He Bursts open his door .
Chuuya and Aktugawa were on the couch .
"What are you two doing here ?"
" we use your house as a hang out spot and why are you here ?"
"I have to shower "
He runs to the bathroom stripping his clothes off along with bandages .
He showers quickly .
He changes and bandages up .
He left the bathroom to come face to face with Dazai .
"Oh when did you come home ?"
"Just now , I've been running all over looking for you . You left your phone at work so I couldn't call you . And after that fight with Ranpo i did know what you were going to do "
He stood there .
How could he let Dazai and the others feel like this .
"Don't worry about going back to work . Just go to your room "
Atsushi turns and runs .
He slams his door .
Sliding down it in tears .
'im so stupid how could I '
He gets up and lays on his bed still crying .
He hears the front door open and close .
It was probably chuuya and Aktugawa leaving .
He even drove them away .
He was a mess , his room was a mess , his life , house , work life just him.
He gets up and looks in the mirror in his room.
He can't even look.
He punches his mirror making it smash into a hundred little prices .
He pulls stuff off his walls , ceiling , bed and wardrobe .
The were things everywhere.
His alcohol was spilling on the carpet , smokes on show .
He didn't care .
Not to mention he accidentally activated his ability.
Claw marks on the back of his kneck turning his shirt red .
He sits there crying .
'why am I like this ?'