THE PLAYERS SERIES : S.M. {book 2}

XX

I barely slept the last few nights.

In between intense trainings, the growth of my contribution to the team as a player, as well as all my questions about myself and my romantic feelings, my head was a true mess. Like, hear me out: what if I've always restrained my feelings for Abby - my true feelings, not the friendship-like one - for as far as I know, and buried them so deep that I convinced myself they weren't there? And what if Alexia was somehow making those feelings resurface in a whole other level, as in a level that is so high that I can barely hide the truth from myself.

And each time I'd see Alexia Putellas appear in my sight, this feeling full of contradictions would grow stronger and more and more unbearable.

This morning, the coach cancelled physical training for the sake of a 'tactical meeting' which, in Jonatan's words, means he's got some news for the team.

I make sure to sit down as far away from Alexia as I could, squeezing in between Ingrid and Frido. Once the silence is clearly established, Jonathan speaks up - using English so that everybody could understand him:

"In order to make up for the five players we lost, we decided to strengthen the defense with two new recruits: France's Eve Perrisset to add depths to the lateral defense, and would allow Ona to go up a little bit more ; and we also signed another big player, but we can't announce her at the moment because of contract issues."

My eyes go wide with excitement: Eve Perrisset's whereabouts and performances were always explained to me by Lindsey, who had played with her at PSG before becoming her rival when signing for Lyon. This was excellent news both for the team and for me personally.

My teammates clap following this announcement, before the coach sends us home, claiming we had deserved some quiet times. 

When I get home with Frido and Ana-Maria, though, I don't stay long: I couldn't resist the urge to go at Alexia's in order to confront her (and myself) at least.

***

Alexia is surprised to see me.

"Mewis?"

"Hi" I say, while making - well, more like forcing - my way inside her apartment. As I realize her sister is not here anymore, I continue in a stammer: "I hope I'm not invading... well, not that I leave you much of a choice, but still... did you have some ginger tea by change? I really adore ginger tea, plus it's good for the health I think, and-"

But Alexia doesn't let me finish: as soon as she closed the door, she gets in my way and grabs my shoulders, forcing us to be right in front of each other.

While I hyperventilate, she slowly says:

"Mewis, you're scaring me: what is going on with you?"

Shaking my head, I start laughing hysterically, dramatically getting away from her, starting to walk around her living room, ignoring her eyes fixated on me.

She must think I am mad, I think to myself, before answering very honestly:

"I think I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Like yeah, you heard me right, I said breakdown, not breakdance, 'cause it would be weird if I just started dancing right now... anyway..."

"I suck at riddles, Mewis - just talk to me, tell me what's wrong."

"No, no, I'm fine - talking about it won't do any good!" I exclaim, out of my mind.

"Why did you come here, then?" Alexia inquires, shrugging. As I start looking away, she adds in a strong voice: "Because you wouldn't have come here if you didn't wanna talk to me and-"

I grab my face within my hands, before tuning toward Alexia and staring right at her.

"Alright, alright, you win" I start, hesitant. While she encouraged me with her hazel eyes, I just say: "Something is wrong, but I am scared to put it into words."

"Why?"

"'Cause it would make it real, and change everything."

"Change can be good, Mewis" the brunette says, putting her hands on her hips, "is it about that crush of yours?"

"Yeah... and I don't think it's just a crush anymore" I admit, feeling my heart pound against my chest.

"Oh" Alexia breathes out, visibly surprised. As I start looking away nervously, she adds: "Mewis, it's okay, you're gonna be okay."

"No, I won't" I say, absolutely frightened, "that person will never reciprocate, and then it's gonna all go to literal shit - I will never tell her how I feel."

Shaking her head, Alexia gets closer to me, as I feel my whole body burning when she grabs my arms and says:

"Mewis, whoever that person is, she should be honored to have draught your attention."

Confused, I just ask:

"Do you really mean that?"

"Yes. You're kind, you care, you're clever and you're funny. You're kind of the whole package, Mew, so if that person doesn't like you back, then it's on her."

I sigh loudly, before getting away from her embrace, quite agressive.

"She's not emotionally available"

"You don't know that..."

"She told me so."

This time, the silence is too heavy to bear.

Alexia's eyes are planted in mine when she insists, her voice being as soft as it possibly could be - way softer than I would've expected La Reina's voice to be:

"Mew, you can trust me: tell me."

"Fine."

Holy shit. Holy shit. What are you doing? I hear the panic-stricken voices inside my heard yell at me, absolutely bonkers.

When I grab Alexia's arms and put her right in front of me, so that our eyes would be planted in each other's - although the height difference was quite obvious, as she was way smaller than I am - and suddenly she seems to get it, only it's just too late.

I nervously and aggressively lean in, feeling my lips crashing against hers.

She moans in surprise, as if she just froze, while I just remain in that position for a while, before moving my lips on hers. After a few seconds, she responds to the kiss, her hands reaching for my back, before I panic again and push her away - literally pushing her backwards.

Her fingers on her lips, she just stares at me in utter shock, while I just say, running out of her apartment:

"I'm so sorry."

What did you do..., I ask myself, while the turmoil of feelings inside my stomach would not slow down, such as in the heart of a tornado...