This book is for the reviews of the stories submitted to via the now-obsolete Pink Alpaca Reads. Beware: honest opinions ahead.
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Charmed: The Emperor's Lineage of Elith 1 by xxsoteria
What I loved: This story boasts a good world and an interesting spin on some of the isekai tropes found in animes and fiction. I love the thought put into the story's background, its setting, and in making sure it really is different from the protagonist's world. For that, I give you a round of applause.
What didn't work: I tried so hard to be interested in this story, looking for reasons to stick to it until the very end but I just couldn't find any. The opening scenes make or break your story to the pickiest of readers (and I am one, mind you), and this story kind of falls flat in that area. I don't have issues fainting here and there but if it's happening as a way to transition to another scene, that's where it wouldn't sit well with me.
The writing style was a little choppy as well. Character thoughts would work well if they're interspersed throughout the descriptions and dialogue instead of switching into first person all the time. It's one of the stuff that turned me off.
The melodrama and filler scenes also were kind of dragging the whole story out. Those are usually the signs of the character or authorial voice needing a bit of work. The writing style feels clunky to me. The paragraphs do not flow or there are too many sentences that should have been split to make them sound better. Word choices also played a hand in this issue. There are some words that didn't suit the "vibe" of your character's voice and could come off as purple-prosing.
In the end, I struggled really hard to connect with the MC even though her issues were revealed right at the start.
What to improve: Def those points above. I know you're aware of some of these issues so I'd just give you some tips and quick fixes in terms of your prose. I didn't really get into the story too much to be able to say anything about its plot, too.
First, about your character thoughts, I think a deeper understanding of the POV types and how they can be utilized to your advantage needs to be in order. My DMs both in Discord and Wattpad are open if you want some examples of how I would rewrite some of your paragraphs. I think it would bring your characters' thoughts alive without sacrificing the formatting and jarring the readers from switching to and fro between first and third person.
Second, you really should think about the words you use. It's part of building your character's voice. Would this specific character know this word and express their thoughts with those words? Who are your audience? Would they know some words? Are those words really needed? Are there any more understandable synonyms?
Because the key to writing is being able to communicate your ideas to the reader clearly and concisely. It wouldn't help anyone if they couldn't follow what you're saying. My one tip in writing is to just say how you would say it to yourself, in a way that you would understand it if you come across your own work.
Finally, some typos here and there, but nothing too big to be a worry. I don't really know much about the plot to give my insights about it so sorry about that. xD
Final verdict: DNF at 13%. It's unfair to give it a rating when I wasn't able to finish it. So, yeah. Keep in mind those points above. You've got a good world in your hands and, I'd like to believe, a good story too. Always strive to improve. We'll get there in no time. :))
