This book is for the reviews of the stories submitted to via the now-obsolete Pink Alpaca Reads. Beware: honest opinions ahead.
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What I loved: I love the premise and the message this story is trying to get across. I love the themes of grief, loss, and regret. I also loved the ending and the whole character arc the MC went through in dealing with her loss and stuff. Overall, it's a good read.
What didn't work: I guess what did it for me was the way the story is executed and told. There were huge paragraphs describing how the MC deals with her loss and stuff and at some point, I got tired of it that I ended up skimming through most of it. Some of it were direct repetitions of stuff mentioned in the previous chapters.
There were also times when I'm like, "doesn't this MC have a life outside of the plot?" and that question was only answered in the last few chapters of the book. Which is a long time to tackle questions like that regarding your MC.
I also felt like the whole arc was rushed despite the long chapters and the way the story is outlined. Some of the characters are popping into the frame like they don't have enough agency to live their own lives and are just there to serve the plot something that needs to happen. It often takes me out of the world you are trying to build.
Lastly, I think it lies in how the scenes flow into each other. For me, the way the story shifts from Point A to Point B looked unnatural and transitions weren't that smooth. This makes your story feel like you're just hurrying it along for the sake of writing it instead of letting the scenes unfold on their own. Formatting scene interruptions like dreams, memories, and character voice was distracting and felt like it was stretching the narrative.
This tug of war between hurrying and dragging shows in the prose. Hence, it was a bit hard for me to finish this story. I only hung on because I'm curious how the arc was going to close.
What to improve: I guess this will stem from the points mentioned above. First, have a look at your draft once more and eliminate every paragraph that you feel like it's mentioned in the previous chapter. Then, try to illustrate the scene with different words, different character thoughts, and different interactions with the setting.
As for the MC and the other characters, I guess developing them more would help immensely. Describe to us how the MC lives through subtle details thrown around the main scenes of the MC dealing with her best friend's sickness. Why doesn't she have a job? Where is she getting all this money? How come she could just throw her responsibilities to take care of her friend? Answering all these questions at the beginning of the story (instead of the latter part) will give your MC a boost in terms of dimension.
As for the other characters, I think the same principle mentioned above applies. What are they doing outside the plot? How come they can just drop everything and check in on the MC? What's their personality like? Why do they like the MC? What makes them help the MC? So yeah.
As for the scene transitions, it helps if you have an outline of how you want the scene to progress in a specific chapter. Each scene should have a direct impact on the plot, whether they introduce a dynamic, a character flaw, or anything that helps bolster your setting, character interactions, and plot. Anything outside of those should be cut.
For formatting the narrative interruptions, I think it's best if you don't use italics and show the readers what was happening. Rather, tell us using the past tense. That would make the interruption still part of the narrative and not an actual interruption. Have the character's thoughts bleed into the telling part and you'd have a good scene presentation.
Lastly, from a technical standpoint, there are a lot of typos, misused words, and punctuation errors. Nothing a good line edit wouldn't fix, though. There are also times when the MC switches from first person to second person POV and it's jarring for me. To improve this, you can take those instances and convert them to the MC talking about Bry in third person. My DMs are open for more clarifications in case what I said here wasn't clear. xD
Final verdict: This is 7/10 on my scale. There's a good dose of heart and an attempt at telling a story. You finished a book so you're already halfway there. Keep writing. Keep improving. You'll get there in no time, Isabella. I have faith in you. uwu.
