sola
😎📖💚🥞🌞🐙
I watch Hyunjae jog to his house. I pretended like I didn't notice his shirt soaking wet and see through. But I did. I definitely did.
Every rational thought in my head is screaming no! stop wanting him and thinking about him.
But I can't help it. Every book and movie I've seen has told me that fate is real. There are some bonds that just can't be broken, some people that are meant to be. And I'm starting to think that's us.
I finally go inside and I take a warm shower. I'm pretty sure I was starting to get frostbite out there but I didn't mind. I felt carefree.
I take my phone out of my pocket as I grab a glass of water, and it won't turn on.
"Shit," I mutter. Maybe having my phone in the pouring rain and laying in puddles was not the best idea.
I bring out a bowl of rice and I bury my phone in it.
I drag myself upstairs and into my room where I collapse in my bed immediately. It's been a while since I feel like I've had a fulfilling day.
sunwoo
🙄🦝⚽️💔☀️🍓
8:35 pm
She's usually just doing homework at this time or reading or something. Why isn't she picking up her phone?
I originally texted to see if she got home alright and to make sure that being with Hyunjae was okay after school, but now with no response I'm worried.
I press call for the fourth time, and again, the automated voice says Sola is unavailable.
I try not to worry, I try to just keep doing my homework to convince myself that she's probably in the shower or something. But half an hour later I call again and there's no response.
I think back to the ski trip. When I had opened the door to see a girl and Sola standing there. She was trembling. I had never seen her so shaken up. She's a strong person. Usually nobody can impact her that much, which is why I worry now that he's still relevant in her life. I don't want her to get hurt again.
I find myself grabbing two jackets, one for me and one for her, and jogging down the stairs. I hope she's okay.
"Where are you going?" My mom's cold voice makes me freeze in front of the door.
"Sola's."
"Didn't you say she was studying at someone else's tonight?" Mom asks.
"yeah but-"
"Let the girl live, Sunwoo." She says. "You really need to pick up your grades. You're not allowed to go to the pc cafe anymore after school. Focus on your homework and soccer coming up. Did they express interest in you for team captain?"
"They haven't said anything. Tryouts are tomorrow." I answer. My mom and I have been getting ticked off at each other more often now.
"You know it'll help you look better on university applications if you're team captain. They want to see leadership and-"
"I know," I say coldly. She talks as if she hasn't reminded me every other day. I know I'm good enough to be team captain, but there's also a lot of good guys on the team this year. I know I'm not particularly friendly, but I am smart on the field, and quick witted. I just don't know how to show them that.
My phone ringing interrupts the silence and I whip it out of my pocket immediately to see if its her.
"...it's dad." I say, my voice quiet because I don't know if this is real or not. He hasn't called or texted in a year. He stopped sending me birthday cards and I haven't seen him for at least three years.
"What?" Mom asks, equally as confused.
"It's dad."
I look at her for what to do. She looks stunned. Before the divorce I had never seen my parents express much emotion. They were good at covering up when something was wrong.
I think that's part of how kids get trauma. Because seeing your parents in a state where they aren't okay is scary. They're supposed to be the stable ones. They're supposed to comfort you when you're upset.
This is all what I used to think, at least. Because all of the things I thought were supposed to happen stopped. My parents showed me sides of them I didn't know they had. the way that they looked at each other with such anger and hate made me sick inside. Maybe that's why I bury these moments in my head and cover it up with romance movies and books. With Sola.
"Don't answer," She says. Her voice is quiet, but strong. As if she had taken that whole time to think of that single answer.
"Why not?" I ask, though I know why. I don't even think I'd answer it myself.
My mom doesn't answer. The emotion in her face fades away, and she has that blank look she has whenever I come home, and I call her name and she doesn't answer. She's always deep in thought. I wonder what she thinks about.
I put my phone back in my pocket and I head right out the door. It's raining.
Rain is a bad sign. it always is. In the movies it's the part where everything goes wrong, so I think the worst when Sola still hasn't responded.
I hop on my old bike I haven't used in years and I ride it down a few blocks and into her neighborhood. It's pouring so much I can barely see what's in front of me. And this jacket does nothing to help from the rain. I hate being soaked with rain, it's an awful feeling. I hate the rain.
I stop the bike and the wheels screech. I see two people in the distance. At first I think they must be a pair of crazy people, being out here in this weather.
But when I squint I recognize Sola's bright red converse, and Hyunjae's height and his posture.
My brain takes a moment to process. They're having fun. They're in the rain having fun and dancing. Together.
I suddenly feel stupid. I came over here thinking she had been kidnapped or something but she's fine. She's more than fine, and I should be happy for her. But the pain in my chest makes that impossible when I know she deserves someone so much better than him.
That pact we made up a while ago, the one where we get married in the future, it never seemed so bad. I think I suggested it because part of me wants that to be true, whether I like sola or not. I want to spend the rest of my life with her because she's always been the one constant in my life. The only thing that keeps me going. But it feels like I'm losing her already. This isn't supposed to happen.
I feel a lump in my throat, and my eyes sting. I hop back on the bike and I turn it around. They didn't even see me, it's like they're in their own world.
Everyone I care about is changing. My mom, Sola, even my dad. It feels like they're leaving me all behind without a second glance.
For once when something's wrong I don't feel anger. I feel something else. My heart feels heavy and I'm rapidly blinking the raindrops out of my eyes that keep blurring my vision.
And I tell myself not to worry. They're not changing, they're still here.
But I don't know how much longer I can keep lying to myself.
