Eternal Longing ✓

59. Regret

JAYA

With my shaky finger on the mouse pad, I drag the file to the trash icon, and after a few seconds, I let go.

"There," Hannah states in a soft tone, "that's done. Now you've deleted every last trace of him and you can begin-"

Releasing the breath I did not know I was holding, I click the trash icon and restore the trashed file all in one second, my heart practically beating out of my chest as a deafening silence settles around the room.

"Jaya," she chastises me, everything about her tone understanding and loving, "you do want to move on, don't you?"

"Yes." I nod emphatically, but everything about my face must scream the opposite because Hannah gives me a doubtful look.

"It's been almost two weeks, sis. I don't think . . ."

A pain-so piercing and real-hits me right in the chest, making it difficult for me to breathe. I clutch my hands together and rest them on the desk next to the computer, swiveling on the chair to try and shield my reaction from my roommate.

Of course, she still notices and slides off her bed to come closer to me. "Aw Jaya, honey, I'm sorry. I promise you I didn't mean to be insensitive. I just hate to see you like this, you know?"

I attempt a smile, still holding the tears back. "I get it, Hans. No need to apologize. You're right. It's been almost two weeks and I haven't heard from him since the night when he drunk-dialed me." I chuckle humorlessly. "It's clear he's gotten over me, yet here I am . . ."

"Aw, girly." She wraps her arms around my neck and holds on tightly, and despite my vow that I wouldn't shed another tear over that man, one slides down my cheek.

"I really need to stop these tears, my goodness!" I clean my face with the back of my hand and attempt another smile when Hannah mushes her cheek against mine.

She moves back and pats my cheek as if she's my mother. "No more tears, hear me, Jaya?"

"Okay," I grumble, wondering what the hell I'll do if I can't mope around and cry over the fact that I don't want a life without Fin in it.

"Okay, let's talk about something fun!" She claps her hands and looks around our room, probably trying to think about something to talk about.

There's only one fun thing we could talk about at the moment, and since I know that she won't bring up Professor Truman and how much of a pining mess he is for her even though she's already forgiven him, I honestly can't think of anything else that is fun at the moment.

Life feels like a big gray cloud that only brings forth rain and more rain. And not the type of rain that results in sunshine, but the permanent kind. The rain that is destructive and ugly and feels like it'll never end.

"I'm sorry to bring this up, before we move on, and tell me if it's too much to answer, but are we gonna talk about how Fin said he would, and I quote, 'find you wherever you are, wherever you may go, and fuck the insolence out of you until you beg-'"

"He was drunk, you weirdo," I lie in defense, trying not to let myself wish that he really did mean the words.

She gives me a dubious look. "Mhm. Sure. He was drunk and not saying things similar to things he'd already said to you, huh?"

I bite my lip but can't help the chuckle that escapes. "Shut up."

"Nah, I'd rather talk more in-depth about just how you imagine he'd go around-"

"I said shut up." I laugh and throw an eraser from my desk at her.

She catches it and grins at me. "I'm glad you can laugh at this because it means that you're not as broken as you think you are. And in the words of my good roommate and friend, 'a man cannot break you.' Not now, and not ever, babes."