Hurts so good

CHAPTER THIRTY|| AMARIS

My hands stop short of opening the door. I pause for a second and stare down at the handle before dropping my arm to my side.

"Bug?" Cassius comes up beside me and turns my face to look up at him.

"I-" I don't know what's wrong with me. I look back at the door. Why can't I open the stupid door? 

"You don't have to," Cas says beside me and my eyes snap to him. Does he think I can't do it?

"I can do it," I say defensively and he back up just the slightest bit. I immediately regret snapping at him. My face softens and I step closer to him. He looks down at me and I can't tell what it is that he's feeling but he looks hesitant. I did this to him. I hurt him. I wrap my arms around him. "I'm sorry, big guy."

"It's okay, really," he says, placing a kiss on my forehead and just like that, he's back to his old self. Still, I can tell he's afraid of me. I'll fix that. As soon as I fix this. 

I unwrap myself from Cassius and open the door. My aunt sits behind her office desk anxiously shaking her right leg up and down. I can't see her legs but I have the same habit and I can see her body shaking. She looks up from her computer and her eyes widen. She stares at me for a second before standing.

"Hi, grim."

"Hi, baba."

"C-can I hug you?" baba asks, holding out her arms.

For her and I, hugs mean forgiveness. She's asking me to forgive her.

"If I hug you, then I'm forgiving you and if I forgive you, then I can't hate you. If I can't hate you, then who do I blame?" I ask but she remains silent. "I want to yell at you. I should yell at you." I say, thinking out loud.

"Okay," she says and stands firmly.

"What were you thinking?! You were supposed to be my parent! You were supposed to love me! I trusted you! I lost the people I loved most in this world and it was all a lie you couldn't be bothered to tell me!"

Aiden comes up beside me and holds my hand. "Breathe, princess." I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

I open my eyes to look at baba, who hangs her head low. "The truth is that it would be easier to hate you. But I can't." I sigh. "You're all I have. You and my boys, that's it." she lifts her head in surprise, a tear falling down her face, and I walk toward her. "Please don't do it again." I plead, and she rushes toward me. "I promise, grim," she says wholeheartedly and pulls me into a hug.

She hugs me for what feels like forever and all I can think about is now that I have her back, I want to tell her about what I've been holding inside. I have to tell someone and she's my best friend. But what if we never get back to how we were? what if our relationship changes? what if...

"I think I love them," I whisper, and my aunt pulls back abruptly. My eyes widen at my confession, and I shake my head no when baba looks at me expectedly. That wasn't supposed to come out. 

She nods slightly before clearing her throat. "Get out! We need some time alone."

"Amaris?" Milo asks behind me, and I nod without turning to look at them.

"it's fine!" I say in a slightly pitchy voice, and after a minute or so, they leave.

I sigh and walk over to the couch. I lay down and look up at the stars on her ceiling. They're exactly like the ones I had in my old room, and supposedly they make her feel closer to me when i'm not here.

"So you love them. That's okay. That's normal. Are you feeling the urge to run?" baba asks and I nod.

"A little," I answer honestly.

"Okay, that's normal too. Tell me why." 

"Don't you think it's a little weird that we are completely back to normal? That's weird, right? I mean, I was just mad at you." I giggle at the absurdity. "Maybe we should go to therapy. I don't think this is normal."

"Grim," Baba says sternly and I turn my head to look at her.

"yes?"

"Stop deflecting. This is completely normal. At least for us. Tell me why you want to run," she says, crossing her legs in the chair in front of the couch. Now that I'm thinking about it, she kind of looks like a therapist. That makes me her patient. I will act accordingly. 

"I don't deserve to love them," I say, looking back up at the ceiling. I stupid tear fells down the side of my face and at this moment I miss my other half. I've been crying too much lately. I feel everything and it hurts like a bitch. 

"Grim," my aunt whispers but I can't look at her right now. "Why don't you think you deserve to love them?"

"I- I think I'm broken." I say softly. "I finally love them back the way I'm supposed to and I'm terrified of telling them. I was hurt by what you guys did but I had no right to make them suffer the way I did. Especially Cas. He's afraid of me now. It would be selfish to tell them I love them after what I did."

"They love you more than life itself. Besides, I think we're all a little broken, baby. You can't keep your feelings pent up anymore, you know that. You need to tell them how you feel. They've been waiting to hear you say it for far too long." 

I lay there for what feels like hours and the only thing that comes out of my mouth is, "I can't."

*****

"Hey, you're back! I haven't seen you around here in a while. Where have you been?" The tall dark-skinned guy that tried to give me his number when I was here last time walks up to me with his posse strolling closely behind him.

"Oh. I was on a mission in another country." I say, giving him a little smile. 

"Mmm. Well now that you're back, what would you say to a little sparring?" My eyes light up immediately 

"Yes!" I say, excitedly.

"No." Cassius, Aiden, and Milo say in unison from behind me and I roll my eyes. 

"One second..."

"Xavier. My name is Xavier," he says, eyeing the boys cautiously.

"One second, Xavier," I say and turn around to face my boys. "You guys promised to let me train."

"Yes, train. Not spar. You know how you get when you fight, love." Milo says.

"I won't turn into the grim reaper if that's what you mean. Besides, even if I did, I can control myself."

"That's what we thought before you ran away and went on a murder spree," Aiden says, glaring at me. 

I glare back at him. "That was because I was dealing with a lot Aiden. I'm fine now."

"Bug, we're just worried about you." Cassius says.

"I know," I say, smiling. " Just trust me, please."

"Okay," he says and I squeal in excitement. I run off so the other two can't protest. I'm sure Cas will convince them.