If You Have Ghost One Shots...You Have Everything

Rough Month

Trigger Warning - I've been going through it recently, and I find that writing out what I'm feeling is a way of coping. Obviously this does not work for everyone. Y/n in this chapter is going to be a reflection of me. I am going to use my personal feelings and issues in this chapter, but please do not read if anything about eating disorders, body dysmorphia, anxiety, seasonal depression, suicide notes, and self harm can make you relapse. There is help, there are people who care about you, and at the very least know that my messages are open and that I really do appreciate everyone of you that reads these dumb little stories about a Satanic Swedish Band.

It has been more than a rough month. Sister Imperator keeps making up work for you to do, Secundo still asks for help reading papers, and Copia keeps asking you to deliver letters all over the ministry. Usually the busy lifestyle keeps you happy, feeling wanted, needed even, but not this time. You felt too overwhelmed. Making mistakes was a rare or nonexistent occurrence for you, but no one would shy away from pointing them out to you, "Y/n. Do better." Sister Imperator demanded, "Y/n. You know how to do it. Why are you acting so strange?" Secundo repeats, "Y/n. You've never made mistakes like this before, get it together." Copia complains. Each time you'd bow your head, mumble an apology and return to your next task. Tears stained many of the papers, but no one seems to notice.

You couldn't blame them for not being more aware of your feelings. After all, you still partied with the ghouls, smiled and made small talk with everyone, and you still engaged in your hobbies. Each night, you'd try to sleep, but would just be repeating one or more stressful situations from years ago over and over again, coming up with new scenarios, sentences, and words that could have fixed the problem. The anxiety attacks that happen at night are the worst. Mountain isn't there to place a calming hand on your shoulder, Aether isn't there to tell you how great of a person you are, and Swiss isn't there to make you laugh. You are alone with your thoughts, which are less than kind. Listening to Griftwood, Cirice, and Missionary Man were not enough to bring back the "bad bitch energy" people respected you for. Nothing was working. So. you'd stay up. Writing, typing, and planning out stories to post somewhere. Maybe one day publish. When the clock strikes three, the exhaustion finally hits, but the creativity is flowing. You force yourself asleep by four, then wake up at six.

As you continue this spiral, your eating becomes irregular. Sometimes you would only eat breakfast, then not lunch for guilt, skip dinner to read or catch up on other work, and then binge late at night. Then the next morning, feel guilty and not eat until dinner. This was a vicious cycle you worked hard on finally overcoming by yourself. No one could know that a person with straight A's in school, involved in almost every club around the church, and a best friend to the ghouls could ever have issues. No one would believe you if you'd tell them, maybe no one would listen. You'd always listen to their issues, giving advice that you should definitely follow yourself, but are too stubborn and scared to do. No one asks how your day was, how your night was, or how you are feeling, so you don't tell them. Trust and loyalty have been broken before by people very close to you, even family. Why would you trust anyone anymore?

Today was the same as always, help Sister, ask Secundo if he needs help, and then visit Copia for the rest of the work that will keep you awake for a few more hours. Tonight however, you make a decision. You choose to work in the garden. It was not supposed to rain, and at night no one was there. You thought that some fresh air could help your state. You make an iced coffee, pack a granola bar just in case you decide to eat, and head out to the garden.

You walk out of the church undetected, it was late so everyone was probably sleeping. Sitting at the large wooden table, you take your jacket and fold it to be a cushion to sit on. You spread out the papers in front of you and mentally prepare yourself to decipher baby ghoul's handwriting. Grading papers for Copia can be a headache. You take a sip of coffee and mumble to yourself what your dad used to tell you when you'd have a mental breakdown, "You are Y/n L/n. You are not weak. L/n's are not weak" and pick up your pen.

Rain was simply going to ask you if you wanted to go to dinner with him and Sodo. Normally, he would text, but being right by your room he decided to go in, without knocking, "Y/n it's your favorite!" He announces stepping into an empty room. He looked around and realized you weren't there. Scanning the room for an explanation on where you could be, his eyes fall on your computer. He didn't want to snoop, but maybe it showed where you were, it was late he was concerned. When your computer falls asleep, it doesn't require a password to get back in, so once Rain moved the mouse on the keypad, he immediately teared up. Your google doc from last night was up, and very, very descriptive. It talks about how you feel so big when standing next to Sodo and Rain because of how small they were, how when you tuck your shirt like you do everyday, after you eat you hate the bit of stomach that shows, how you hate that your hair won't curl like everyone else's in your family and it just frizzes, how you can do everything perfect, and how much you just wanted it all to end. Rain clicked out of the document and into the folder it was saved in titled, "Therapy." He couldn't even laugh at the title, he was so heartbroken that you felt that way and no one seemed to notice. He scrolled through the other files and found what you kept hidden, your suicide note. You have one written more as a reference to call back to how much good overtakes the bad, you hadn't updated it in years as you've improved your mental state, but you never deleted it. As his eyes dashed across the page he started crying and sobbing uncontrollably. Your door was still open, allowing his wails to be heard throughout the ministry. Swiss and Aether came sprinting to your room, thinking that it was you,

"Rain?" Swiss pants, exhausted from sprinting to the entire other side of the ministry, "Rain? Where is Y/n. Why are you crying?" Aether follows up, walking into your room. Rain tried to tell them, but the words wouldn't form. He turned your laptop around to show them. Their jaws dropped, "We have to find them. Satan, we have to find them." Aether starts panicking, Swiss nods and all three of the ghouls start to run around the quiet church, screaming your name hoping they weren't too late. They woke up all the Papa's, ghouls, and siblings trying to find you. Mountain, Sodo, Cumulus, Sunshine, and Cirrus joined the search, as did Secundo and Copia. No one could find you

You were just in the garden, finishing up the last of the papers, swaying to Jutty Taylor's "Let me Be" vibing to the relaxed vocals, soothing medley, and calming sound. Aether burst through the garden doors, he remembers you telling him that some nights you would work outside to clear your head. He sees a person sitting at a table, dancing. He sprints down the stairs, scrambling over to you. Once he reaches the table, he leans on it, panting, out of breath. You pause your music and look up at him concerned, "Aether? What the fuck are you doing out here?" You stand and walk around the table to him, patting his back as he starts coughing from the lack of oxygen. He looks at you and, before you can react, wraps his arms around you in a bone crushing hug, "Thank Satan. Thank Satan." He kept mumbling into your hair. He sends a mental message to the others that you are okay, "Aether, what is happening?" You ask him, this time a little more distressed. He looks down at you, tears staining his cheeks, "Rain found your...notes." You look at him confused, "What notes, where? Why was he in my room?"

"On your computer."

Your eyes go wide, "Aether, I-" He holds you tighter to him, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never knew how much pain you were in. I'm a terrible friend I know." He says into your hair, you wrap your arms around his torso and squeeze, "No." You say looking up at him, he looks down, "No you are the best of all of them, you have been there for me more than you know, it's just." Tears start to well in your eyes, "It's just sometimes I don't want to burden all of you with my issues. It just seems easier to deal with them myself than to get help." You bury your face into his chest and he gently rocks you side to side. You stay there for a while, the other ghouls flood out of the doors and watch the two of you, Aether breaks the silence, "You know that we love you more than anything." You nod into his shirt, "You've helped me in so many ways, I had an eating disorder too before you came along." You pull up and look at him with shock and sorrow in your eyes, "Aether, I-Why didn't you say anything?" "Same reason you stayed quiet about your issues, I'm the father friend. I don't have time to feel." You hug him tighter, he does too. You both stand there, comfortable in each other's arms, feeling accepted, understood, and like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. 

A/n; I'M MAKING A HAPPIER CHAPTER AFTER THIS I LOWKEY WANT MORE TODDLER GHOULS TOO