Forever the Taylors?

1

Dear Journal,

In exactly seven days it will be eighteen months since I walked away from my family. I'd love to say that these 18 months were torture without them, but that wouldn't be true. There were and still are times when being without them felt too hard and selfish but then I would remember why I left. I needed to heal myself. I thought that I was prepared for pregnancy and motherhood, but what I didn't know almost ended my life. I had no clue how badly postpartum depression could affect a woman. No one prepares you for the trauma, both physical and mental that can follow a woman after childbirth. It's sneaky and appears out of the blue. One day I was happy, healing from a stressful delivery and the next I was telling my husband I wanted a divorce and leaving town. That night, after I saw Zac and Phoenix on the kitchen floor was the straw for me. I got in my car and ended up driving through the night until I landed in Louisiana. I remember that night like I t was yesterday, the first hour or so I could not help but cry. Every time I thought my body had run out of tears, a song on the radio or a flashback of the two of them on top of each other would take me back to the hurt and pain I had been feeling for months. I only even went back to the house to tell Zac that I really didn't want a divorce. I wanted him to know that I was just not feeling like myself and wanted some time apart. But seeing them like that on the floor confirmed everything I thought to be true. My phone rang nonstop for hours that night until I finally had enough and turned it off. I didn't want to speak to anyone. I had nothing to say. Around the fourth hour of driving, guilt and shame started to overcome me. Hour 5, embarrassment. How could I leave my son, believe my best friend betrayed me, believe my husband betrayed me? by the 8th hour, I could now feel my eyes burning, desperately wanting a break from all they'd gone through that day. My Car's GPS told me that I was in Alabama, so I pulled into the first motel that didn't look like a serial killer's paradise and called it a night. Well truthfully, it was three long days. On the morning of my third day in Alabama, I decided it was time to turn my phone back on. After checking in on the first night, I sent out a text to my father that simply stated I was alive and safe and not to come looking for me.

I sat up looking around the empty room as I waited for the hundreds of notifications to make their way onto my phone. There were messages and missed calls from everyone. Every notification was exactly what I expected. Phoenix was pleading her case as a loyal best friend who would never betray their friendship, my father was begging me to come home. Andi threatened to hire someone to find me unless I told her I was ok. That was until I got to the messages from My husband. The first few were from the next day. They started out with him just asking me to call him. There was 6 of those to be exact. Then I listen to the first of 5 voicemails. I could hear him luring his words and he yelled into the phone about how selfish I was and about how ne and Phoenix were not messing around. The rest of the messages were similar. He wasn't drunk in them all, but you could hear the pain in his voice. I played those messages over and over until I couldn't stand it any longer. I pushed aside an empty pizza box as I gathered myself to head to Walmart. I needed to figure out my next steps. Starting with a toothbrush and clean clothes. Just as I was getting out the bed, my phone rang. It was Zac. I stared at it. Watching it ring for what seemed like an eternity. I mustered up the courage to answer it.

"Hi." Is all I said. I don't think he expected me to answer the phone. I could hear him take a deep breath and release it before he spoke seconds later.

"Where are you?" He demanded to know.

"Uhhh.. It doesn't matter, I'm safe." I replied

"It doesn't matter? Fatima you left this house three days ago!" I could tell he wanted to say more because his voice was getting louder just before he cut himself off. "You're right. It doesn't matter. Be safe." Is all he said before ending the call.

I thought about calling him back. I knew he didn't deserve any of this but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that. I don't know why. I just know I Could not. Instead, I wiped my eyes, grabbed my car keys, and headed to Walmart for clean clothes and figure out what was next.

~**Ok Y'all. I hope you're ready for what's to come with the Taylors!! **~