Leah once told me, they don't have dreams. I kind of envied it, but also was grateful. Half of what I remember of my childhood was dreams. I got so bad, I couldn't tell what was a dream and what was real.
One of the most vivid ones, was a dream where my dad sat me down at the table. He told me that if I continued "in my moms path," which in this case was being like her, I would burn in hell.
Thank god I'm an atheist.
He also told me things in these "dreams," like me having a dead older brother. It was weird. I have had TOO FUCKING MANY dreams about running away from my dads house. I can think of 7 off the top of my mind. Then, the summer of 2022 came along and the dreams, turned more into plans.
The dreams took many forms. They started as dreams, turned to plans, hallucinations, and even some of them turned to reality. I guess that's why I'm a somniphobiac. I became afraid of sleep because I thought one day, I would just lose myself. One day, I'd realize that I didn't know if ANYTHING was real or fake.
I've had a lot weird dream type things too, like lucid dreams and sleep paralysis. That's probably why I disassociate so much. I'm so used to not knowing what's real that I guess I'm okay with it. I'm okay with the feeling of your soul leaving your body. I'm okay with not existing for a few hours. Though, that's kind of what guitar playing feels like. It's been happening for a long time too.
I think a lot of the times when I get mad when people don't tell me things, I'm mad because of the dreams. I'm so used to not knowing things, that when I can know things, I want to know everything. Like, when I was living with a drug addict. My mom tried to shelter me, but I made her tell me everything. Or the third time I went to court. I always asked them to tell me what was happening because, not only am I afraid of sleep, but I'm afraid of not knowing things too.
I also just realized that none of my friends know like, half of my backstory.
The funny thing is, I'm not afraid of the unknown, just not knowing things. Weird, huh? You know what else is weird? I make up words to describe my illnesses like, the dreams, the bad thoughts, pickles, the voices, the bad things, etc.
