Everyone's been touching me. It feels like everyone's huddling around me until I'm squished and pressurized. Pickles said this morning that I have to be tense I guess. I feel like an asshole though. I had to keep asking people to scooch away from me or stop touching me. It's genuinely frustrating when I can't figure out my own personality or how I'll react to things. A lot of my friends are really touchy, but I don't mind most of the time. Today, I was on the fence and just everywhere. Like, what the fuck god? Why are you being such a bitch? Thank god I'm an atheist.
One thing that was pushing me off the edge, was people grabbing my hat. It happens EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY WITHOUT FAIL. I'm not even annoyed about it. Just depressed. My hat is my stability. I can CHOOSE if I want to wear it and it will always be with me. I used to say my friends were my stability. The countless amount of times I texted to Mia at night until I couldn't open my eyes is unreal, and going for walks and climbing trees with Leah was always my therapy. Danny basically saved my life during the sixth grade. But, the fact that I've had to face is, I'm the problem. I treat them like shit because of my wavering personality. So, I can't say that they're my stability because I subconsciously keep pushing them away.
At lunch, I set my tray of pancakes and some egg, ham concoction on the table. I poked at my food with a fork. I'm trying to eat. I really am.
Just tie the sweatshirt tighter.
No! Don't listen to them. Just drink your milk. Your fine.
Eat it all. Eat everything. Eat it all and after, lick your tray clean like the pig you are.
Tie the sweatshirt tighter.
You're fine.
When I got home, I drank a smoothie.
It was delicious.
