Today I cried about something genuinely stupid. Usually I don't ever cry because of sadness. I normally just force myself to be numb.
I guess today was the exception, though, because I cried about having to play a solo at jazz band.
Having a solo is usually an honor, but not for me. I don't like being in the spotlight at all, but what did you expect? I'm a drummer.
I kept thinking, though, because it just didn't make sense. I guess I could get away with a few tears, but I reacted completely out of the ordinary. The whole rest of jazz band and the ride back I kept trying to figure it out, and then I realized.
I reacted that way because of my dad. I kept telling them, 'no, I don't want to, I'm not going to, don't make me, no, no, no I don't want to, please, I don't want it, I won't,' etc.
It was my dads fault the whole time.
It's always him.
He's never out of my head.
I can never get rid of him.
I try to drown him out with music but I can't. It doesn't work anymore. In every step I take, every breath I muster, every word I speak, every tear I cry; he's there.
He's always there...
Unintentional déjà vu. 'No! I don't want to! No! Please!'
He's always gonna be there you know.
No! No, he won't! He can't... can he?
You know he can. You know he will.
I live in fear. I will aways live in fear.
Yes, yes. Good, my obedient puppy. Just like I taught you, yes.
He's alway here.
Where is he?
Inside of me. He always will be.
And why is that?
Because half of me is him.
Very good. Im proud of you.
Thank you, meister. On au teenida teie alluvuses. Olete minu vastu olnud hea, söör.
Sa oled tubli, mu lemmikloom. Õppige minu õppetundidest ja pidage meeles, et usaldus on luksus.
Jah, isand.
