The only joy I found in a day was rain.
I remember that when it rained my dad would give me breaks. Most of our work was outside, so it only made sense.
I would be working and it would start to sprinkle. I would sprint into the house, get a baggy sweatshirt, turn on some music, and bolt out of the house. I remember thinking that if I got electrocuted because of my earbuds getting wet, I'd be okay with it. If I passed my dad or his fiancé, they would look at me like I was crazy. They weren't too far off.
I know what they were thinking. On multiple occasions, my dad would tell me to smile more. I would tell him that I have nothing to smile about. The only genuine smile he ever got out of me, was when I was in the rain.
I've always wanted to run away from him. Being in the rain felt like I did. It felt like I ran away. It felt like I ran away to my home. Because, I could've. I would be out in the rain for hours. My dad wouldn't know where I was for hours. I could've ran, but instead I went to the rain, because the rain is the only thing that makes me feel safe.
I remember turning my music to full blast and I would just dance and do summersaults and cartwheels. I would grab a stick and flip it around. Sometimes I would thrust it into the air and lighting would go off. I remember laying down on the wet grass, feeling the thunder shake the ground beneath me, and looking at the sky. I remember letting the pouring rain flood my face, my eyes, my mouth, my lounges... I remember letting it wash my tears away.
I remember the taste of rain. I remember it all too well.
I used to think The Trilliums were my safe place. They followed me around every time i moved. How could they not be? I failed to realize it was the rain the whole time.
My old therapist told me to draw what I wanted my future to look like. I drew my dad carrying me in a hug toward a mountain range.
The girl who wanted that is gone. The girl who you loved is gone.
If it's not rain then i have no time. The rain wiped away my tears. It calmed me when I was sad. It was my safe place. Do you know what the difference between you and the rain is?
I can't hurt the rain.
What was he thinking when I left, you may ask. Wow look at that crazy girl. She loves the rain more than she loves me.
And it was true. The rain is my only home and it always will be.
