Loki Laufeyson - Saviour {2}

Chapter Fourty - I Don't Want to Keep Secrets

LOKI POV

I felt like a monster. I felt absolutely horrible. I didn't deserve Emily. I didn't deserve her sweet innocence. I didn't deserve her forgiveness. I had done horrible things to her, how could she forgive me that easily? I wanted her to shove me away. I wanted her to curse me and to never want to see me again.

But at the same time, I wanted her close. I wanted her to keep holding me like this, the faint smell of roses or whatever kind of floral bath wash Stark had bought taking over my senses. I wanted to keep my arms wrapped around her fragile figure.

A fragile figure that looked like it was breaking a couple of minutes ago, pressed up against that bookshelf like she was trying to get as far away from me as possible. I didn't blame her, I would have done the same. I was stupid and selfish. I should have seen that I was pushing her too much. I should have seen that she was about to snap, her anxiety becoming overwhelming with my endless demand of questions.

Why was I like this? Why did I hurt her so much? She was the nicest to me out of everyone in this Gods forsaken place, and here I was, hurting her, triggering anxiety attacks. She shouldn't be near me, I didn't want to hurt her more.

"Please." That single trembling word escaped her lips, dragging me out of my darkening thoughts. "Stop beating yourself up, it's not your fault. I'm just... sensitive."

"But I still shouldn't have pushed you like that." I shook my head, sighing heavily.

"You had every right to." She shook her head too, shifting in my arms so she was facing me in my grip, which I quickly loosened. "I was keeping things from you-".

"That still didn't give me any right to push you so much that you had an anxiety attack." I pleaded for her to stop taking all of the blame on herself. "I need to respect what you want to keep a secret from me. I know you'll tell me when the time is right."

"I don't want to keep secrets from you." She murmured softly. "But this... this is something that... I can't tell everyone yet."

"And that's okay." I murmured, brushing some of her hair behind her head. "I just want you to know that... I'm here if you ever want to talk, okay?"

"Of course." She nodded, looking up at me with her puffy eyes and managing a weak smile. "Does... does this mean that we're friends again?"

"If you want to be." I swallowed thickly, amazed at how quickly she was forgiving me.

"Of course I do." She managed another weak smile before curling up against my chest, her body instantly relaxing.

-{+}-

EMILY POV

It was definitely a lot easier not having to avoid Loki anymore, and not that I thought back on it, I felt like I was overreacting a little. He had seemed to honestly think I had hated him or something, it made me feel horrible for trying to avoid him.

But now, it felt like nothing had ever happened between us as we sat, or in my case laid, in front of the fire place. I made sure to sit close to him, just so he would know that I wasn't holding anything against him and so that he would stop blaming himself for everything. The silence was comfortable between us, occasionally he asked me how my book was, but that was all of the interaction we had. And I didn't mind.

Some part of me still felt guilty about withholding the reason for my freak-out at Christmas, but I knew that it would be a difficult topic to talk about, especially with him. With Steve, it had been different, Steve... he was kind of like a father figure in some sort of way, but Loki... he was just... different. I couldn't describe it properly.

At dinner, Tony passed around a projection list over the top of our steaming bowls of stir fry of all the people we wanted to come to the New Year's party. I passed it on as soon as Pepper swiped it towards me; there was no one I knew outside of this compound, and Clint's family had already been added. The list was quite large and I couldn't help but think about how big of a security risk this was.

"Don't you trust Stark security?" Tony must have noticed my face as he chuckled from the head of the table. "I'm hurt kiddo. Seriously, its all good, no one could get past JARVIS."

Over the next couple of days, decorations were being put up throughout the compound again and the final preparations were being made. A couple of days before the final day of the year, Pepper took us out shopping again, which I wasn't complaining about because I loved how the dressed made me feel, but I was confused as to why we couldn't just wear our ones from Christmas.

Nat managed to convince me into a long sleeve silver shimmering dress that seemed way over the top in my opinion, but they all loved it on me. They all chose similar colours to the ones they had worn to Christmas, just of different designs. I couldn't focus on the joy of the shopping too much though, I was too distracted by the constant looming thought of HYDRA and Safak.

New Years came around way too quick, and before I knew it, I was sitting in Pepper's room getting my hair done again as I stared at my dolled up reflection. Wanda insisted that it was only light make up, but I was convinced I looked nothing like this normally.

"You look amazing Emily." Nat smiled at me comfortingly.

I pulled myself out of my cycle of worrying and looked up at her through the reflection of the mirror to see her standing behind me, putting in a pair of ruby earrings.

"Thanks." I gave her a small smile before I quickly lost myself back to fiddling with the clip on my purse, opening and closing it in an endless cycle. I was only pulled out of it when her hand rested over the top of mine, stopping it.

"That is where you say 'why, you look beautiful too Nat'." She chuckled softly and I winced inwardly as my rudeness.

"Sorry." I smiled weakly. "You do look beautiful." She smiled sympathetically at me and removed her hand.

"Stop worrying." She knelt down next to me and my shoulders slumped a little as I sighed.

"If I had a dollar for the amount of times somebody had said that to me in the past three days," I murmured, staring down at the purse. "I'd be as rich as Tony."

"Look at me Em." She said and I slowly met her hazel eyes. "I'm serious. You want to enjoy this party, trust me. Don't let your worried and fears get in the way of you having a good time. You'll be fine, honestly. Haven't you seen all of the security Tony has been putting up around this place? This place has got to be the most secure place on Earth."

"I know." I murmured softly, knowing that she was right.

"You'll be with the four of us the whole night anyway." She gestured to Pepper, Wanda and Yelena who were all scattered around the room. "That is if you don't go sneaking outside for a quick kiss with a certain God." She grinned and gently nudged me, causing my cheeks to heat as I looked away, my lips twitching in a ghost of a smile.

"Stop teasing her." Pepper chided Nat softly, giving me a sympathetic look in the mirror. "Are you ready Emily?"

The stylist finished the last touches on my curled hair and I nodded, admiring the small pieces of glitter woven into it. I stood up, giving the woman a small grateful smile before I walked over to the others, clutching my purse tightly. Wanda squeezed my arm softly before Pepper opened up my door and let us all walk downstairs.