Loki Laufeyson - Saviour {2}

Chapter Forty Five - I Don't Know How to Fix It

As soon as Loki left, I locked my door with trembling hands and slowly slid down to the floor. He knew. He knew everything they did. He was going to look at me differently, like I was a weakness, pathetic for not fighting back. I had seen it in his face, the horror, the sympathy. I didn't want him to see me as any more weak than I already was.

I stumbled back to my bed, my legs feeling like jelly. I curled myself up in the blankets, drawing them tightly under my chin as I pulled my legs up to my chest. I pulled up the weighted blanket from Bucky from where it was lying on the bottom of my bed and stared at the wall until the sun rose.

-{+}-

Thankfully, I didn't see Loki the whole morning, but he or JARVIS seemed to have told everyone what had happened because as soon as I set foot in the kitchen, I was swarmed by everyone. They fired questions at me over and over until Pepper and the other girls basically had to push them away.

They stayed around me the whole day but not a single one of them talked about the nightmare. I saw Loki for the briefest second, my eyes catching sight of him coming out of Bruce and Tony's lab, but he didn't look up at me as he disappeared in a flash of green.

I didn't know how to feel. Some part of me deep down inside still felt upset and angry with him that he would do something like he did to me, but some part of me couldn't help but feel like I had overreacted. I felt like I probably should have talked to him, not yelled at him or gotten upset. That just made me seem even more weak and unstable.

I could feel myself becoming more withdrawn as the day dragged on. I didn't speak much; I was too caught up in my thoughts to pay attention to much else. I was flinching at the slightest noise, my head buzzing with so much activity that I felt like I was constantly on edge.

I didn't speak to Loki for days, I barely ever saw him except in passing. He didn't look at me once. It felt weird, like I didn't have anyone to talk to, despite the girls always staying with me. It felt weird to be reading in the library by myself, to have a spare seat next to me at every meal. It just always felt... empty around me.

Training distracted me a little bit from everything going through my head. It was something I was use to; sparring with Bucky was something I knew I could control. Mostly. He was holding back on me most of the time though, which I didn't really mind. Some part of me was scared at how easily I managed to slip back into the HYDRA training like it was ingrained in me, but some part of me also loved the familiarity of it.

"You can take a break you know." Bucky said from where he was standing next to me as I punched the bag in front of me, his arms crossed over his chest as he watched. "You're going to hurt your wrists and fingers."

"It's fine." I shook my head, pausing for a moment to adjust the wrappings on my hands before I began the punching sequence again.

He stood silently next to me for a little longer as my body fell into the rhythm of the punches, my mind easily drifting back into my thoughts. I didn't realise that I had been burning a hole into the punching back until Bucky's metal hand was gripping my wrists, pinning them together.

"That's enough." His tone was gentle but still held firmness as I looked up at him, sparks dancing along my skin.

"Sorry." I murmured, my eyes flicking to the hole in the punching bag before I let my shoulders drop, his hand loosening on my wrists and I pulled them back, peeling off the charred tape.

"Talk to me." His arms folded across his chest again as I threw the wrappings in the bin next to the fridge, which I opened up and pulled out a bottle of water.

"I don't want to." I sighed, sweeping back a sweaty strand of my hair as I painfully swallowed back a gulp of water.

"You're not repressing it again." He followed a couple of steps behind me as I grabbed a towel and walked into the change rooms. "I thought you had learnt from that." I could hear the firmness in his tone and I clenched my jaw, pausing as I began to pull my normal clothes out of the locker.

"Don't start this." I sighed, shaking my head. "I don't want to fight with you."

"This isn't fighting." He stepped out from behind me, coming into my line of vision. "I'm worried about you."

"You don't need to be." I replied, opening up one of the shower doors and dumping my stuff on the bench inside, but before I could try and close the door, he reached out with his flesh hand to stop it.

"Don't shut me out." He gave me a firm look. "Look, I'll make this easier for you, okay? I know what Loki did. I know why your angry with him, you have every right to be. But just because he did something wrong, doesn't mean that you need to shut yourself down and out from everyone else. You're beginning to become a shell again."

"How do you know what happened?" I slowly turned to look up at him, my eyebrows furrowing.

"He came downstairs, after you had your nightmare." He replied, his eyes dropping for the moment. "That son of a bitch admitted what he did to you." His metal hand clicked as he clenched it into a fist.

"I'm not angry with him." I sighed. "I just... I don't know what to think. Like... some part of me wants to believe him, that he really did try to look away. I know he would never do something like that to me. Never. But... I reacted so badly that night and..." I looked down at my feet and let my hand drop from the door. "I don't know how to fix it now."

"Should you have to?" He let his hand drop from the door. "It is his fault that this happened in the first place. You really think he wouldn't break your trust? Well, looking what he did."

"He tried to look away." I pointed out weakly but he just gave me a firm look. "Okay, yeah so maybe he did something a little wrong but I'm just making it worse by avoiding him! He must think I hate him."

"I don't know how you don't." Bucky muttered before sighing. "Look, just do what you think is best. You're in control of yourself. You don't need others to make decisions for you. If you want to talk to him, go ahead. But if you're not ready... I can keep away more if you need."

"Wait." I broke off my thoughts as I looked back up at him. "What do you mean more?"

His eyes flicked to me for a moment before he tucked his head slightly, the sweaty strands that had escaped from his bun falling in front of him.

"After that night, I thought it might be best to keep him away from you for a little bit." He murmured, having the decency to sound somewhat guilty. "Steve agreed with me too."

"How many times has he tried to see me?" I asked quietly, my eyes narrowing as I silently dared him to lie.

"I... I don't know." He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and I took a shaky breath. "But I swear we were only doing it to look after you, we didn't want him doing anything else to you."

"And here I was thinking that he was avoiding me because he hated me." I forced the words through my gritted teeth before I blew out a heavy breath, knowing I shouldn't loose my temper. "Let me have a shower and I'm going to see him."

He smartly didn't protest and stepped back, leaving me alone as I showered, thoughts churning through my head.