Guilty Pleasures

8-the truth

  I couldn't breathe. Abused,abused, for years. I can only hear those words. My mom abused us, for years. 

"ROSS! LOOK AT ME!" Sam was yelling, I came back to my senses after few seconds. 

"Sorry to dump this on you, i am truly sorry but you have to know this son. Please" I could see the desperateness in his eyes, as i nodded he continued his story. 

"okay, i will tell you from the beginning. I married your mom because i loved her, even though i hate to admit, i still do love her. She did not want another kid, thought she couldn't handle it. She tried to force me to give you both up for adoption. I persuaded her, and here we are. It was fine at the beginning. Everything went smoothly, but the death of your father weighed her down. she could not handle it anymore. she took it out on me and i let her, but it got worse. She started yelling everyday, crying, smashing things. And all of a sudden she snapped. She started hitting me, forcing me to sleep with her when she felt stressed"

He took a deep breath and sighed before he continued. 

"It was hell, but i thought it would get better, but boy was I wrong. She started hitting you, yelling at you all kinds of things. I tried so hard Ross, believe me, to stop her craziness, tried to get her help, but nothing worked. with all this you were too traumatized, closed yourself off. After  two years of this shit, she  decided to leave. She looked like hell Ross, I couldn't let her go but i had to. So I did.
  Then finally, I tried to focus on you and only you. I took you to the doctor for injuries and stuff. But found out that you blocked out all the memories of her. And some psychological stuff, i was relieved that you forgot. And hence decided to focus on myself. I have nightmares, and i have flashbacks that i wish to forget Ross, just like you. But it's hard. Very hard" his voice begins to crack and he's sobbing again.

"I'm sorry son, I am sorry i keep taking this on you. I promise I'll change for the better. Back then, Lily did not focus on Johnny much, and so I didn't want to fail another son. And hence i treated him differently, not just because he's my son. Sorry Ross, i love you very very much"

I shook my head and moved to hug him. I kept mumbling comforting words, like it's okay and that i forgive him.

"I will be a better son as well. I promise Sam, we'll get better. Together" I smiled down at him. He hugged me harder and nodded eagerly.

~~~

"Heyy! What's up? We met like two hours ago, missing me already?" I can hear the playful tone of Austin.

"Can we talk?"

"Oh lord, i don't like that sentence. Are we breaking up?" He asked, all the teasing gone in his voice.

"No babes, we are not breaking up" i chuckle.

"O-oh okay, cool. Yes w-we uh we can talk" I can feel him blushing so hardly.

  I tell him everything Sam just shared. I feel somehow relived to let it out. That was a lot to take in. I always thought, my mom and Sam had usual relationship problems and that they divorced. I thought it was harsh on Sam and thus his coping mechanisms. But I definitely did not expect what he said. Did not expect my mom to be crazy.
  And to think that Sam still loves her, I wanna puke. Doesn't matter how much you are grieving, it does not give you the right to project it on others. I researched on what dad said about me. It's called dissociative  amnesia where the brain chooses to block out the traumatic memories, to protect itself.
   Sounds fascinating. I looked up for some therapists for Sam. So he could talk to one and feel better.

"Woah, that's a lot to process. Do you not remember your mother at all?" Austin asked me.

"Nope" i said popping the 'p'.