Guilty Pleasures

23-no tears

Austin Brooks

"Morning sweetheart" I opened my eyes the moment I heard the voice. I looked around to find Phoenix sprawled on the beanbag in a weird position. Ross was asleep too, beside me, his body half on the floor and his head on the bed. I noticed how weak his face looked. Dark circles clouded so badly that I could barely see his eyes. His face looked so weak, like he hadn't been eating.
  Eating. He went back to starving. And I was too caught up with myself to notice. Phoenix looked similar but not that worse. Ross lost weight. Lots of weight. The muscle he worked on was gone.
  I wanted to cry but I had no more tears left to cry. So I simply embraced the moment. This is all too much on everyone. It's nobody's fault except his. I should've realised it sooner.
This whole break up, I don't know why I even said that. Maybe it's better or maybe it's for the worse. But I'm not about to take bach my words because of a moment of weakness. Sure, I don't blame him, but us being together....things change.

"Do you want me to help you downstairs? Harvs made some food" I was startled on hearing Phoe talk suddenly. He was smiling at me warmly.

"Yeah" I agreed. He stretched his limbs a bit before he quietly came onto my side.

"There's nothing wrong with my limbs you know, just my head" I joked. He didn't get it, he stepped back with an apology. I sighed. Things changed. Too much.

"Won't you wake him up?" I asked pointing towards Ross.

"Do you want me to? He's pretty exhausted and he slightly has a bit of fever" Phoe said.

"What?! Fever? When did that happen?" I questioned with worry.

"Don't worry, he's fine. Just need some sleep" he grinned.

~~~

"Hmm! Can I hire Harvey as my personal cook?" I moaned munching on my food like a starved Neanderthal.

"Sure, if he would like to" he chuckled.

"More like if you agreed" I said. His cheeks flushed as he ran away to get some more food.

"Here, have some more"

"Won't Ross..and you eat?" I quickly added.

"Ross d- and me did eat" he smirked. It was my turn to blush.

"Right" I said trying to hide my blush.

"Not the best time to bring this up, but you said you had an answer to my question yesterday. I'm not sure if you remember" I started.

"About....?" He asked in confusion.

"About why Ross didn't listen to me" I said. It seemed to have clicked as realisation dawned over his face. He was deep in thought for a minute before speaking.

"You probably would've realised it if you think. I know you're not in a rational position to sit and wonder about why you're boyfriend didn't listen to you, nobody is really. So let me explain.
  Okay, so imagine Austin..imagine you were in his position. After years of no memories and straight up abuse with no reason, he finally found an explanation. The one Sam said, that Lily, Ross' mother abused him and stuff.
   So yeah, after a lot of waiting he got the truth and a chance in front of him to maybe experience a better life. So of course Ross clung onto that hope. That Sam was really telling the truth, that they could finally have some family moments with each other, that there could be finally some peace. He was exhausted by then with all the working, taking care of Johnny etc. So when he was given the opportunity to gain happiness just by believing something, who would decline it?" He ended with a rhetorical question.

I felt uncomfortable and super dumb with everything he spoke. Me, being his boyfriend, couldn't think of it that way sounded pathetic to me. Here I was, thinking that I was there for him all the time blah blah blah when I couldn't even notice how happy he was when he found out the truth. It's the same now too, he was the first one I chose to simply put the blame on. I don't deserve him.