Guilty Pleasures

30-was it good?

Ross Amor

It's been so long since this author gave me my own time to rant. Well here I am. It's been 5 whole months of torture. It wasn't smiles and laughter, let me rephrase. It wasn't 'just' smiles and laughter.
   I'm happy to see that the five months did well to Austin. He looks much better than before. The long awaited reunion happened, I'm supposed to feel euphoric. But why don't I? Because there's no promise of a better future.

These 5 months I was a zombie, apart from spending time with my family and sometimes my friends I was practically a zombie. I leeched off the few calories I could take in and pushed myself from bed just to fall asleep because I was too tired to do anything.
   I had to study. A lot. Mom denied me goin to work, so the only option I had was to study. I studied my ass off for weeks, took a break on the weekends. It was robotic really. I fainted at least 3 times a week but not that anyone would know, I was holed up in my room. I would faint for hours on end and gain consciousness myself, drink some water and repeat the cycle.

I remember the nights where I just wanted to drive to Austin, sob into his embrace and wish everything would be okay. But he needed time away from me, from everyone and I needed to respect that. I did. I promised myself I would be the best version of myself for Austin. I will never hurt him, never upset him and never ever show my scars that might bring a frown upon his face. I'm okay. I'll be okay, he's here. That's all that matters.

~~~

"Hey darlin', Mornin" Austin says his voice groggy from sleep.

"Mornin" I smile brightly. I've been smiling a lot since I saw him. See, I'm fine now that he's here. Everything's okay.

"What time is it?" He pats the bed for his phone.

"Sleep, it's still early" I pull the blanket over him and leave the room.

I skip through the kitchen and get ready to cook something for him. I am not a fan of cooking but if it's for him I would do it.

"What are you doing?" I flinch at the voice. I turn around and watch Austin walk upto me and ruffle my messy hair.

"I was making breakfast" I say flushing.

"Hmm, I'll fresh up, give me a minute" he rushes away.

I look through the cookbook and try to recollect everything that I've learnt. I don't need it. I sat and memorised everything I needed to. Austin would be proud. I smile as I take out all the necessary items.

  Austin returns after a while and sits on the counter.

"Didn't know you liked cooking" he comments as he munches on an apple.

"Trying something new is all" I mumble. I can't make out what he means. Is he happy or mad that I'm cooking?

"That's cool, teach me something" he says.

"Next time. I'm making something delish right now" I respond as I busy myself.

He stares at me for a while, before he lifts up his hand to caress my face.

"You've gotten very thin" he comments with a tone of sadness.

"What? No. You're just imagining, I've been in my best form" I reply making money contact. Does he find me ugly now?

Austin was never one to be so carefree with me. But now he's acting as if everything's normal. Maybe it is. I'm messing it up.

"I'm not blind Rossie, what's up?" He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him.

"I'm fine Aust, stop worrying" I smile.

"Stop smiling" my smile falls. He has a frown on his face as he examines me. I upset him. Already. Pathetic.