Guilty Pleasures

20- breakdown

Austin Brooks

I'm shaking or maybe shivering. I was crying. No, sobbing. So is my mom. I am curled up into myself, trying to disappear from this world. I don't know what to do. My mind is going crazy. So many thoughts so many, I'm unable to think for myself. It's driving my mental, and mom is not helping.
  I hate my mom too. I hate everyone.
I want Ross. I don't need him. I want him. I need his comfort right now. But I hate him too. My mother was sobbing into the phone, I couldn't understand what she was saying. My mind is too loud. I don't like it. I hate it too. I hate everything.
  I hate my body too. I don't want to be in this body. It's disgusting and gross. It's utterly pathetic.

You deserved it
You are pathetic
Liar
Liar
Fucking deserved everything
Always wanted it didn't you?
Desperate little bit-

"Hey love" I heard Ross' soft voice in midst of everything. My eyes have been closed for so long I didn't want to open them. Maybe I'm back there. I am. But Ross is here right?

Not for you

"Can you hear me? I am Ross, your boyfriend. I am right here. Right here in front of you. All you have to do is open your eyes baby, open your eyes and find me so I can help you find yourself. Is that a good idea for you?" He kept talking, unlike my mind, it was soft. I liked it.
  He wasn't sobbing, I knew that too. I try to find the strength to open my eyes. Slowly I look up at the eyes I've come to love over the past few months. And the smile. He was smiling at me, a soft loving smile that he gave when he told me he loved me. (A/n- as cringey as it sounds I'm keeping this sorry :⁠-⁠))
  He loved me right? I'm sure he does. Because I do.

"There, very very good baby. Now can I hug you?" He asked with a bright smile. A smile that you can't just say no to. A smile that will want you to believe everything is fine.
  I gave a slight nod. I don't know if he caught that.
He did. He walked carefully towards me, as I made some space for him. I noticed my mom standing at the corner of the door, shocked and crying. Too much crying. I didn't like it. I whined and closed my eyes again. I didn't want to see this.
  Ross sat down beside me and wrapped his arm-

Dark. The lights turned off. Ross is luring me. Just like my mind. Just like him. I hate the dark. I screamed.

"Lights!! Turn on the lights!" I could hear a muffled yell from Ross. In a second everything was bright again. Good.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry baby. It was a mistake. The light switch was behind you" he apologized and pulled me into his chest gently. His hands were firmly wrapped around me as he kept whispering how beautiful and amazing I was. The voices quietened. Only Ross here. Only him and me.
  My eyes were heavy, I closed them but the dark was back again. I opened my eyes immediately, it was still bright here.

"What's wrong?" Ross questioned slowly.

"Dark" I choked out. Probably the first word I've spoken since hours.

"More lights?" He asked. I shook my head negatively.

"Nightmares?" He then whispered as if scared that I would explode again.

Nightmares? Were they nightmares? No. They were real. I'm there. So they are real. But I didn't want to explain that to Ross. So I nodded.

"You trust me right?"

I thought about it for a moment before I shook my head. I don't trust anyone. I should not.

Then why is Ross the one to calm you down? Why did his hurt expression make you feel guilty?

I nodded immediately changing my answer.

"It's fine if you don't. But I promise to you Austin, I'll be here with you every second till you wake up again. I will fight off the demons in your head. I'm beside you aren't I?" I nod again.