Guilty Pleasures

31- cuddles kisses fluff

Ross Amor

That was probably the best sleep I've had in a while. I never believed in sleeping well beside people you love but it seems to be true. I slept well with my mom and now Austin.

  I play with his hair as he shuffles and groans. He slightly opens his eyes and signals me to come close. I move close and he wraps around me like a baby.

"Let's go out today" I say. He just hmms. Not sure if he heard.

"Rossie" he mumbles in my chest.

"Yes?"

"Ross"

"Yes"

"Can you not hide from me?" He says so softly I melted right there.

"I wasn't hiding from you" I state.

"Can you talk to me? Or someone?"

This wasn't what I was expecting to be the talk of morning.

"I'm fine Aust"

Am I? I am. I will be. He's here.

"It's okay if you're not"

"It wasn't me who was complaining about having to take care of me" I snapped defensively and I wish I could take them back right away. I promised i wouldn't hurt him and here I am.

  He should leave me. He should go find someone else with someone who will take care of him and treat him like he deserves. He should-

"Hey hey, look at me. Up here Ross" he pulls me away as I try to hide under the blanket.

"I'm sorry. I'm really really really sorry I ever said what I said. I had no right and no excuse for why I said it. I can see it hurt you pretty badly but all I can do is assure you that I did not mean it. I was in a bad headspace and I just lashed out and blabbed whatever came to my mind.
  I'm sorry. You're not a burden to me. You're the love of my life and well I would actually feel proud that I can be there for you. Don't hide from me. Just don't. You can share anything you would like to, I don't mind and I'll try my best to be there for you. I'm really sorry about what I said" he sighed.

"You know, you can talk more about it if you want...." He prompted.

It's hard to breathe. Really hard to focus. The voices are way too loud and my hands are shaking, I don't know when I started crying or why I'm even crying. I just am. A rush of overwhelming emotions drive me to get out of bed but I accidentally trip and fall down. I scream louder as the glass seeps into my skin. I need it to stop. Everything to just stop.

"It hurts!" I scream or I think I do. I can't do this. Fuck. Breathe. Austin wraps himself around me and guides me into the bathroom all while murmuring how much he loves me and that it'll all be okay.
  He aids the cut and sits me on the bed. I cry louder as my hands continue shaking and that cut stinging like hell.

Austin Brooks

Heartbreaking is an understatement to describe watching someone you love break down like this. Inhumane screams as he continues pulling at his hair. I couldn't stop my tears either, I wrap my arms around him and whisper into his ears hoping he could hear me.

"I'm here love, it'll be okay. I promise it'll all be fine. Just let it out" I kiss his forehead and continue whispering.

After what seems to be 15 minutes he finally calms down and almost fall asleep. I brush through his hair as he breathes softly. He's lying down with his head on my lap with his eyes closed.

'i sit and watch you breathe' Taylor Swift. Okay not the time.

He slowly opens his eyes and stares into mine for what feels like an eternity.

"I'll talk" he said with a voice crack. He adjusts his voice and gets up. I push him back down to stay like that.

"You can talk like this" I tell him.

"What you said hurt me. I know you did not mean it but my heart doesn't want to believe so. I got very insecure and I did not want to burden you with anything anymore. The negative side of me is always accusing me or disregarding or simply scolding me. I don't know what to do. It's one thing after another, stop eating, stop upsetting him, stop turning ugly stop this that stop living. I can't withstand it anymore aust please do something" he cries.

"Shh" I coo as he curls into me.

"It'll be okay..I promise you, it's okay Rossie it's okay,I'm here" I try my best to reassure.

"I just need you to hear this. I really am sorry about what I said, I truly am sorry. I hope you forgive me Rossie" he shakes his head desperately as he sniffs.

"No no.."

"It's okay, it was unnecessary for me to say that. I don't blame you, it's not your fault you're not a burden. My problems your problems there's no comparision of problems. Hurting is hurting, yours are valid mine are valid too. You need to believe in yourself that you are valid. Don't seek it from someone else. I'm so sorry baby" I kiss him as I pull him into a hug.

The age old adage, words cut deeper than knife. This is the perfect example. How a bunch of words could destroy a person, how it deformed and created something anew. Something so cruelly capable of poisoning the minds.
    I feel bad that I said those words. I feel devastated that he had to go through this alone for 5 months. But it's okay, there's no point in blaming and feeling guilty. We'll work for a better tomorrow.
 
"Wanna watch a movie?" I ask him. He murmurs incoherently into my shirt.

"Was that a yes?" He nods.

I play red notice on my laptop and we fall into an hour of giggling and cuddling.

I like movies. Especially animation movies. They have a sort of control over me. I feel so good after finishing the movie, refreshing. Endings make me cry and smile. Anyone who dares to insult animation movies has to fight me.

~~~

"I'm nervous" he says as we near the appointment.

"It'll be fine. The moment you feel uncomfortable we can leave" I assure him. I convinced him to meet a therapist. As much as we both support each other and can shower each other in love, we need professional help. He needs it.

"Okay wish me luck" he pecks my lips before disappearing into the room.