Guilty Pleasures

9-forgiving

"Hi, Austin was it?" He asks me. I nod.

"Can I see Ross right now?" See this is what i mean, i don't like the feeling around him. It makes me scared and weird.

"Sure he's getting ready, take a seat" he offers.
After we're both sat in our seats, he points towards the so called scar on his abdomen. How much bet that's not a real scar?

"I believe, Ross told you the truth. This, here, was given by his mom. I can still remember that day vividly. She was livid that Ross was playing video games when she was grieving the hell out. Tried to hurt him, when i stopped her she pushed me so hard towards that shelf there", he explains.
Did i ask? No. Why the hell is he telling me all this?
Ok ok Austin, let's stop projecting our feelings on others.

"I'm sorry, about everything. I hope things get better for both of you" i smile.

"What are you doing here?" Ross stands near the staircase his arms folded.

"Can we talk?"
~~~
We sit opposite to each other in his room and stare at each other for a good 10seconds.

"I'm sorry" i begin.

"Okay. Do you believe him now?" He asks me hopefully.

"Maybe. I don't know. I mean Ross think about it, why would your mom be in such a condition because of your father's death when they were already divorced?" I just thought about it.

"Maybe they had to divorce, maybe they still loved each other. Austin, is this why you're here?" He looks tired of me.

Pathetic.

"I'm sorry, I was feeling down yesterday and what you said...i was trying to use it distract myself. Sorry, I'll just go" I stand up.
He brings me into a hug.

"It's okay, we're okay. Don't overthink. Alright?" He assures me. I nod and leave the house.

Previous day (before Ross' story)

I watched it. Again. Fucking porn. I did it. Again. Disgusting. I washed off my hands, my body so much but all i can think of, is me doing it. I watched it for hours. I don't know what to do. I wish I can stop.
Fucking stop it. When will I fucking change. My sight has been declining, I ain't doing anything productive. Same old addictive self. Fuck.
Cut, cut. Again. Nothing ever changes. No amount of tries will change it. I'll be useless, unworthy forever.
Self pity, again. Pathetic. Can't even enjoy what you have.
Stop it stop it. I will change, I will. Please stop.
Useless promises, useless words. Gets back to how useless you were after crying like a baby. Why do you cry? To justify your actions. No. Not enough. Not worthy. Change. Freaking change or die. You don't deserve this house, this family,this life.

Cut, deeper. Deeper. Deserving. Hurt. Stop it. Keep going. Pain.

Present day

I was sitting in my balcony staring at the sky, wondering how it could be so beautiful and scary at the same time.
Beautiful because it is pleasant, lovely,warm.
Scary because it is unpredictable. There could be a storm, a hurricane, rainfall, or anything for that matter.
I don't know how long i sat there. But this is the only thing we can do when we feel nothing. When we are so conflicted and have no clue what to do.
My phone dinged with a notification.

Unknown
Hi!! Is this Austin Brooks?

Me
Yes. Who is this?

Unknown
Heyyyy babes. I missed you so much!! This is Erica. I hope you still remember me? ;)

Me
Oh my god! How are you? Where have you been?

Erica was my childhood bestie. Weird to admit, but we were best friends for a day. Me and my mom were in the park when I met her. We instantly became friends. She stayed at mine that night and left the next day morning.
She is an orphan. She said that she escaped but she had to get back. I was 7 years old at that time. I still remember her.